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Pilot - S1-E1

Elenor Shellstrop: There's been a big mistake. I'm not suppose to be here.
Chidi Anagonye: Wait, what?

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What We Owe to Each Other - S1-E6

Jason: [Chidi walks into Jason's bud hole] Oh, hey, homie. Thanks for your advice. I'm about to give Tahani the best gift ever. Check it. [Shows a painting of Frank Caliendo].
Chidi: What?
Jason: She likes impressionist paintings, right? I got her a painting of the best impressionist of all time, Frank Caliendo. He can do it all. Fat Al Pacino, fat Jerry Seinfeld, regular John Madden.

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Missy: Hi, guys.
Bill: Hi, Missy - I mean, Mom.
Ted: Uh, Miss Preston, we'd like you to meet some of our...friends.
Bill: Yeah, this is uh, Dave Beeth Oven. And, uh, Maxine of Arc, Missy. Herman the Kid.
Ted: Bob Ghenghis Kahn. So-Crates Johnson. Dennis Frood. And, uh...uh...Abraham Lincoln.

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I Am Dick Pentameter! - S4-E6

Don: Congratulations, Dick, you got yourself a hell of a rhymer. I mean, I've tried to rhyme, you know. There was a dog who sat on a log, his name was...Rog? That sorta thing. Hold on to her, Dick. She's one of a kind.
Dick: So you like the the rhyming, eh? You like the rhyming?
Don: Yeah.
Dick: And what if the rhyming were never to stop? On, on, and on till your head doth pop. Oh, look! A book! A book on schnook! What kind of crook took my schnook nook book? Perchance, methinks, thee, hither, yon, thou. I think I'm going to have a freakin' cow!
Don: You sure seem to hate her, sounds really tough.
Dick: Hate is a strong word, but not strong enough.

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Dick Jokes - S2-E11

Dick: You know, it's a remarkable feeling to be able to make someone else laugh. It's almost as if you have the power to get inside their brain and, and tickle it.
Harry: Pssh. I could do that with a chopstick.
Dick: Imagine how different war would be if instead of trying to kill each other, people just showed up armed with jokes.
Sally: But you could still have guns, right? Because, you know, eventually you'd stop laughing and want to get on with the killing.

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Assault With A Deadly Dick - S1-E17

[School basketball team huddled in prayer] Coach Strickland: Dear Lord, if it be within your great wisdom and mercy, please grant us the strength and courage to beat the hell out of the Central High Muskrats. And if...
Tommy Solomon: Uh, excuse me, Coach?
Coach Strickland: We're in the middle of a prayer, Solomon.
Tommy: Yeah, but do you think we should be bothering God over a basketball game?
Coach Strickland: Well, this is important!
Tommy: But the other team's praying too. [Everyone looks at the other team] Oh, so our God is stronger than their God?
Coach Strickland: There's only one God, Solomon.
Tommy: Ah. Well, am I the only one seeing a conflict of interest here?
Coach Strickland: Yes!

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The Dicks They Are A-Changin' - S1-E14

Mary: Oohh. Are these magic brownies?
Dick: Pepperidge Farm.
Mary: You, know. I think I have something. I found it when I moved eight years ago. It's in the freezer. It's a joint.
Dick: Ooh. A doobie. Let's bogart that fat boy.

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Same Old Song and Dick - S2-E17

Dick: I just want us to be the way we were, the greatest lovers in history.
Mary: Dick, put your panties back on and sit down. We're fine, there's nothing wrong with us. Our relationship is normal.
Dick: I don't want normal. I want ceaseless joy and never-ending passion, like Romeo and Juliet.
Mary: They both wound up dead.
Dick: Anthony and Cleopatra.
Mary: Dead.
Dick: Well, that couple from Wuthering Heights.
Mary: Insane and dead.
Dick: F. Scott Fitzgerald and Zelda.
Mary: Drunk, insane, and dead.
Dick: Tristan ùnd Iseult.
Mary: Abgeschossen.
Dick: Aha! Siegfried and Roy!
Mary: OK, one.

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Superstitious Dick - S4-E16

Dick: Can any of you come up with a reasonable scenario in which throwing out a piece of mail would result in having your ribs broken by a floor waxer?
Harry: Absolutely. The guy who was waxing the floor thought you were throwing out his paycheck.
Dick: No. The guy with the waxer knew nothing about it.
Tommy: Then why were you throwing out his paycheck?
Dick: No. There was no paycheck.
Sally: No paycheck? Well, no wonder the waxer dude went psycho on you.

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Dick the Mouth Solomon - S4-E18

Tommy: [Mafia accent] Look, Don, we come two different worlds, you and me, and I don't think we should be seen together no more, capisce!
Officer Don: Let me lay out the cold, hard facts for you, Tommy. If you're involved in something criminal, there's a 1 in 5 chance you'll be caught. If you're prosecuted, there's a 2% chance you'll be convicted. So don't play with fire.

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Y2dicK - S4-E17

Tommy: Now this is high quality.
Sally: Oh, yeah! DVDs, baby! Digital Video...Dynamite.
Tommy: The resolution is perfect.
Sally: Oh, the colors are so alive.
Alissa: It's Leprechaun 2.
Tommy: Whoa, whoa, check this out. There's a bonus audio track where you can hear the director's comments.
Alissa: The director of Leprechaun 2!
Sally: Oh, and look, at the end you can see the original trailers for the movie.
Alissa: [Yelling] You're paying to watch commercials for Leprechaun 2!
Tommy: Digitally remastered.

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Angry Dick - S1-E13

Sally: Dick, what's wrong?
Dick: I don't know. There's an odd sensation moving through my body. [Groans] Who the hell does that stupid sack of fat think he is anyway?!
Harry: Dick?
Dick: I have a plan.
Sally: Remember, we're not allowed to liquify humans.
Dick: OK. I have another plan.

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Feelin' Albright - S4-E3

Tina: Miss, is everything okay?
Sally: Oh, yeah, everything's great. Except you're ruining my relationship with Don.
Tina: Don?
Sally: Yeah, lady! Don Orville. I'm mean, we've been going out for over a year and all of a sudden your name comes up. And what are you trying to do to us?
Tina: Look, I was only with Don for six months. And two weeks after we broke up, he was already going out with Cheryl Fassler, and Laura Brockman after...
Sally: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait...wait. [Pause] Wait. There were others?

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Dial M for Dick - S5-E4

Sally: I don't get it. For free, murder is a horrible tragedy, but you charge $100 for it, and suddenly it's a sophisticated night out.
Tommy: But it's inappropriate for kids.
Dick: This world does need more entertainment that's acceptable for children.
Harry: Something where people are nice to each other. Something where people can just love one another.
Tommy: They have that. It's called pornography.
Dick: Then that's what kids should watch.

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Hotel Dick - S2-E3

Hotel Clerk: Good morning, Mr. Takei.
George Takei: Good morning. I'm checking out.
Hotel Clerk: Oh, of course. Here's your bill, sir.
George Takei: $3,000. Well, that's all right, I can afford it. I'm a famous actor.
Hotel Clerk: I'm sorry, that's $30,000, Mr. Takei.
George Takei: Oh my!

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The Loud Solomon Family: A Dickumentary - S5-E9

Don: Sally? I want you to know that I accept you for who you are, and if we end up just being friends...
[Sally grabs and kisses Don]
Don: Sally!
Sally: Don. Oh man. Wow. You just kissed the gay right outta me.
Don: I did?
Sally: Uh-huh.
Don: What can I say? It's a gift.

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Red, White & Dick - S6-E8

Continuity mistake: When Caryn is on the desk, her back is to the class. After the pledge, when Dick says "never mind" and the camera angle changes, she's now facing the class.

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This Little Dick Goes to Market - S5-E14

Trivia: When Dick and Tommy walk through the Eversoll office, the door they open up has the name "Gary Parkinson." Gary was the Buckeye Fidelity insurance salesman from s05e03, "The Fifth Solomon." They also pass the office of "Ted Hughes." Ted also worked at Buckeye. Terry Hughes was the director of the episode.

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A Nightmare on Dick Street (1) - S2-E25

Question: Don says if he nabs Karl Borsky he makes detective. (I'm pretty sure I've seen other shows where a cop says if he does something or brings someone in he'll make detective, or some rank). Is that how some police departments promoted officers to detective? I thought it just a matter of necessary years of experience and passing a test (and maybe having a vacancy) and not about having a certain number of high profile arrests or accomplishing a certain feat. Granted Don may be exaggerating, but taking what he said at face value, how true is it?

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Dick Puts the Id in Cupid - S5-E11

Factual error: At the police station, in lock up, there's a paper on the bulletin board with a phone number "1-800-VICTIM" An 800 number should have 7 letters/numbers instead of just 6.

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