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Charlie's Mom Has Cancer - S8-E6

Dee Reynolds: Tell you what. Property taxes...paying for what you already own? Now, that's a scam.

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Frank Sets Sweet Dee On Fire - S3-E8

Frank Reynolds: I think what we gotta do is find one sick guy and do a story about a new pandemic.
Charlie Kelly: No one cares about those kinda things, Frank.

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Trevor Slattery: [Speaking about Morris the creature] He wants you to take him home.
Shang-Chi: Believe me, buddy, I would if I knew how. According to my dad, the path there only opens once a year.
Trevor: Morris says he can guide you there right now. You can get through the maze without waiting for the path to open. But, and it's a big "but", it's very dangerous.
Katy Chen: How dangerous?
Trevor: No one's ever made it out alive. But Morris is 90% confident he can guide us through safely. [Morris squeals] Oh! [chuckling] 19%, ha.

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H.G. Wells: You mentioned your husband before.
Amy Robbins: My ex, yeah. I was married for a while, when I was very young. We met during an anti-war demonstration.
Wells: Ah, the Second World War?
Amy: Are you kidding? How old do you think I am?
Wells: Oh, I'm sorry, the Third World War?

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Atonement - S2-E9

Conner: So, Gar, what can you do?
Gar: It's, it's no big deal.
Conner: Come on. Can you show me?
Gar: Now's not the best time.
Conner: Well, can you tell me?
Gar: Yeah, yeah. It's kind of weird, but I can turn into a tiger.
Conner: [Laughing] No way!
Gar: Yeah.
Conner: [Long pause] What's a tiger?

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Logan: What is she?
Charles: She's your daughter, Logan. Alkali has your genetic code.
Logan: Not just mine.
Charles: Logan...
Logan: I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to hear about it anymore.
Charles: Logan...
Logan: Just stop!
Charles: I have to pee.

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Chandler Jarrell: That is a cool trick. Did you ever think about going into show business? Because you could...I could be your partner, I could throw a rock at you, you make it float off, hit the wall. Standing ovations all over the place. You ever hear of Ed McMahon's "Star Search"? Do they have "Star Search" in Tibet? Probably not. They probably have "Food Search." But you know what we could do? We could all go on "Star Search", right? And we give the audience rocks and let them throw them at you and then you can move your hand, make them all hit Ed McMahon...hard!

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Chandler Jarrell: Hey, wait a second. You took a hundred. You took the hundred. No, that, no see, one dollar. See, one dollar is for you. See this George Washington? That's Benjamin Franklin. That's not happening. You got the wrong money.
The Old Man: Ahh...ahh...
Chandler: Can I have my money back? You gave me the wrong necklace too.
The Old Man: You're breaking my heart, asswipe.
Chandler: Oh, you speak English just fine.
The Old Man: So do you. So what of it?
Chandler: Hey, listen man. Give my hundred back, take this dollar and take this, and give me the right one.
The Old Man: Monkey breath, puke face, eater of turtle slime.

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Chandler Jarrell: Hey, bird! Did you just see a little Hare Krishna midget in the tree floating...or it me? [Telephone rings.] Must be Rod Sterling.

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Kee Nang: A child has been kidnapped.
Chandler Jarrell: When?
Kee Nang: Five days ago in Northeastern Tibet.
Chandler: [Laughing] Tibet's a little out of my territory.
Kee Nang: This child is special. His destiny is to save the world.
Chandler: That's a good destiny.

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Wayne: I did a project on Sweden in the 8th grade.
Bjergen Kjargen: Well, I am impressed with you quest for knowledge. Educated men are rare.
Wayne: It was really hard. I stayed up all night working on it. Then the next day in gym class, I was on the minitramp, and I got diarrhea. [Long pause] I really wish I hadn't told you that.

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Osmosis Jones: You're gonna have to talk to my new partner, if he feels like hangin' around a little while.
Drix: But my work visa's expired.
Osmosis Jones: Well, we'll go down to the hemorrhoid and get you a good lawyer.

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Officer on radio: Suspect is heading towards the uvula. Repeat, heading towards the uvula.
Osmosis Jones: What the heck is a u-vala?
Drix: It's that little dangly thing that hangs down in Frank's...
Osmosis Jones: Boxer shorts! OK, here we go!
Drix: Not that little dangly thing! The one in his throat!
Osmosis Jones: I knew that, I knew that.

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Mayor Phlegmming: Good evening, citizens of Frank. In the past few weeks of the campaign, my opponent has thrown around a lot of fancy words to try to confuse the issues. Words like "exercise", "low-fat", and "diet." Words designed to scare us into changing what has worked for so many years. Well, I say, let's stay the course. Remember, a fat Frank is a happy Frank.
Leah: What? That's not what I wrote.
Mayor Phlegmming: I propose something that every organism in this city will enjoy. I give you a dream vacation to the annual chicken wing festival in Buffalo, New York. Final plans have been made and nothing is going to stand in our way!

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Shane Detorre: [As Frank is about to eat the egg that fell on the ground] Dad! That's filthy!
Frank Detorre: Honey, ten-second rule. Hits the ground, you pick it up within ten seconds, you can eat it. [Bites into the egg] Mmmm.
Shane: Ugh!

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Murray: We can't give up now. Washington didn't give up. Lincoln didn't...
Kate: Please!
Murray: What's wrong?
Kate: Don't mention Lincoln. Something terrible happened to me once on Lincoln's birthday.

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Bad Guys - S10-E16

Daniel Jackson: How goes it on your end?
Cameron Mitchell: [To Vala] How goes it on our end?
Vala Mal Doran: I think I have it. Maybe.
Mitchell: Vala.
Vala: There's a 70% chance that if we dial manually, we'll be able to establish a connection, and a 50% chance the bomb will just go off.
Mitchell: That's 120%.
Vala: Well, there's some crossover where we establish a wormhole and it blows up.
Mitchell: Jackson, did you catch any of that?
Jackson: Yeah. 100% chance we should have brought someone who knows what they're doing. Yeah, I head. Daniel out.

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Crusade - S9-E19

Lt. Col. Mitchell: All right, hold the phone. And I and I ask this not 100% sure that I want to know the answer. Whose baby is it?
Vala Mal Doran: That's the thing. I don't know.
Lt. Col. Carter: As in...?
Vala: I swear, I did none of the necessary bits. Between my arrival in the Ori galaxy and my wedding night, which was definitely after I knew for sure, there is no way humanly possible that I know of that I could've gotten pregnant. [Long pause] Someone going to say something? Anybody?
Teal'c: You have been impregnated without copulation?
Vala: Yes, and I'm absolutely terrified. Have any of you ever heard of anything like it?
[Mitchell and Carter look at each other]
Mitchell: Well...There's one.
Teal'c: Darth Vader.
Vala: Really? How did that turn out?
Mitchell: Actually, I was thinking of King Arthur.
Carter: You were?

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Citizen Joe - S8-E15

Daniel Jackson: Wait a minute. Jack, you've been seeing parts of life of a barber in Indiana for seven years and you never mentioned it?
Jack O'Neill: Yeah. Sure I did. I know I did.
Samantha Carter: No. No, you didn't, sir.
Jack O'Neill: I didn't?
Daniel Jackson: You didn't find it the least bit odd?
Jack O'Neill: Actually, no. I found it quite...relaxing.

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The Other Guys - S6-E8

Her'ak: No matter what you have endured, you have never experienced the likes of what Anubis is capable of.
Colonel O'Neill: You ended that sentence with a preposition. Bastard!

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