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Willie Jones: Every time I come into the kitchen, you in the kitchen...in the goddamn refrigerator, eating up all the food. All the chicken, all the pig feet, all the collard greens, all the hog maws. I wanna eat some of them chit'lins. I love pig feet. Now, when I went to bed last night, didn't I tell you to take out the trash?
Craig Jones: Yeah.
Willie: So why didn't you do it?
Craig: I fell asleep.
Willie: I wish you was sleeping right now. I'd knock you upside your head with a left hook, make your ass wake up and take out that damn trash!

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Smokey: I know you don't smoke weed. I know this. But I'm gonna get you high today, 'cause it's Friday, you ain't got no job, and you ain't got shit to do.

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Craig: Bye, Felicia.

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Marshall: [as Charlie] She gets back this weekend. If we don't resolve this, I'll have to go back and live with her again. This is the woman I couldn't live with as a husband. Now, I'm going to be her son. It's a Freudian nightmare.

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Kid on Bus: My dad said your son never went to space and it's just a conspiracy.
Julius Levinson: Oh yeah? Your father's a putz.

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Angry Woman: I can smell that liquor on your breath.
Hancock: I've been drinking, bitch.

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Larry Wilson: Rich, look at Lomax. My god. Look at her. Jesus, that guy. Beautiful apartment, house at the beach, babes, a boat, a car. You know how much it cost to park a car in Manhattan every month? More than my rent.
Richard Parker: Well, I mean, it's only fair. His car is a bit bigger than your apartment.
Larry: So my apartment is small. It's dark, it's hot, it's in a high crime area. Beats living at home with mom and dad.

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The Speech - S3-E4

April Shepherd: Could you be more specific? It's just, I'm trying to build a picture of your role in Reynholm Industries.
Douglas Reynholm: Well, I'm the boss. Head Honcho. El Numero Uno. Mr. Big. The Godfather. Lord of the Rings. The Bourne Identity. Uh, Taxi Driver. Jaws. I forgot the question quite a while back. Who are you again?

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Dan Patrick: In the Mud Dogs latest loss this past Saturday, the amazing 31-year old freshman set a new NCAA record by sacking the quarterback 16 times, shattering the old record of 7.

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Coach Klein: [Drinking Bobby's water] This is good. This is much better than what I serve.
Bobby Boucher: [Seeing the nasty water] That is the water that you serve to your players? It is imperative that you allow me to be your Waterboy.
Coach Klein: I can't hire you. I can't hire anybody. We're the poorest...
Bobby Boucher: You do not have to pay me. I will do it for free. Just promise me that you will never distribute the contents of that jug to any human person.

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Jack: Are you Funbucket?
Funbucket: Yeah, that's me.
Jack: You don't look like a Funbucket. I was picturing someone more fun or buckety.
Funbucket: You're not the crazy, hot masseuse, are you? I want you to tell me right up front, cause if you are, I'm not paying for dinner.

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Danger, Will Robinson - S1-E10

[Radio beeping in Morse code]
John Robinson: It's Morse code.
Don West: What's he spelling?
John: F.
Don: OK.
John: U.
Don: "FU"? That's his message? "FU"? This is how your kids talk?
John: E.
Don: OK, that changes everything.
John: L.
Don: Fuel! They have fuel.
John: Hey, they got fuel!
Don: Yeah! Yeah. So if we'd just waited a couple hours, we wouldn't be here. Great.

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Deadly Maneuvers - S1-E3

Michael Knight: KITT, they're still shooting at us!
KITT: Thank you, Michael, but I noticed that myself.

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Knight Rider [Pilot; a.k.a. Knight of the Phoenix] (1) - S1-E1

Michael Knight: [Being pulled over after falling asleep at the wheel] What's going on? What did I do?
KITT: Deny everything. If I may suggest, deafness is always a good approach to law enforcement officers.

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Knight Rider [Pilot; a.k.a. Knight of the Phoenix] (1) - S1-E1

KITT: There's no reason for increased volume. I am scanning your interrogatives quite satisfactorily. I am the voice of Knight Industry 2000's microprocessor. K-I-T-T for easy reference. "KITT", if you prefer.

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Knight Rider [Pilot; a.k.a. Knight of the Phoenix] (1) - S1-E1

Devon Miles: Welcome aboard the Knight 2000.
Michael Long: Thank you. What's all this? It looks like Darth Vader's bathroom.
Devon: It's a one-of-a-kind car, Mr. Long. It is the fastest, safest, strongest car in the world. It is also completely fuel-efficient and it is operated entirely by microprocessors, which make it it virtually impossible for it to be involved in any mishap or collision. Unless, of course, specifically so ordered by the pilot.
Michael: Pilot? Don't tell me this thing flies.
Devon: No, but it thinks.
Michael: It thinks? My car thinks?
Devon: We like to think of it as our car.

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The Gang Makes Paddy's Great Again - S13-E1

Cindy: Is that a sex doll?
Mac: Yeah.
Dee: Is that Dennis?
Mac: Well, yeah, of course.
Frank: Is that part of the plan?
Cindy: No! Why did you get a sex doll of your old roommate?
Mac: Because you told me to get one.
Cindy: I definitely did not.
Mac: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was. I was super sad about my old roommate leaving, and. And you said I needed something Dennis-shaped to fill my hole.
Cindy: No, Mac, I said that you obviously had a Dennis-shaped hole in your life that you needed to fill.
Mac: How is that not the same thing?

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Psycho Pete Returns - S10-E3

Dennis Reynolds: What are we going to do? We can't have Pete wandering the streets. I don't want him near me. We gotta get him sent somewhere. Ohh, what about that nut, uh, nuthouse in Westchester?
Dee Reynolds: Ah, it says that's one's been shut down too.
Dennis: Oh, come on! I pay so much money in taxes already. Where's that going?
Dee: Well, they used that money to open up the Eagles' new practice facility.
Dennis: That makes sense. That's kind of a no-brainer. I mean, you can't have our guys out there twisting ankles.

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Psycho Pete Returns - S10-E3

Dee Reynolds: Oh, my God, Dennis, listen to this. Reed Medical Institution was shut down because of statewide cutbacks. Oh, so they just cut all the loonies loose?
Dennis Reynolds: What? How could they do that? That's, that's insane!
Dee: I guess it was either that or they raise our taxes.
Dennis: What!?! Raise my taxes!?! Come on! How much do these vultures need? I already pay a ton in taxes.
Dee: Well, then I guess they're gonna have to shut down more of these places.
Dennis: What!?! Shut down more of these...we gotta have someplace to send our lunatics!
Dee: Well, then, we're going to have to pay more in taxes.
Dennis: What!?! I'm not paying more in taxes, Dee!

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The Gang Group Dates - S10-E2

Dee Reynolds: It's my turn. It's my time, it's Dee's time. I even have my own system. The DEE System. Do them. Establish low rating. Increase power.
Dennis Reynolds: Increase is spelled with an "i."
Dee: OK, well, then uhhh... Infuriate them when they find out...
Dennis: Another "i."

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