Kar: So, I figured it out, why hot dogs come in packages of ten and hot dog buns come in packages of eight. See, the thing is, life doesn't always work out according to plan so be happy with what you've got, because you can always get a hot dog.
Jerry: You bit off more then you can chew.
Ed: It's too late, man. I told people what you are. You've been made.
Jerry: And you think anyone's actually going to believe you?
Ed: No, No. Don't play that crap. Don't play that mind shit with me. I'm serious. Try me.
Jerry: Okay. You said you're glad you're different.
Ed: Get back!
Jerry: How can you be in a place like this? These people. Even your best friend did nothing to help.
Ed: No.
Jerry: You were born for this and you know it. It's a gift.
[Jerry bites Ed.]
Second brother: And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chu...
Maynard: Skip a bit, Brother.
Second brother: And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.'
Maynard: Amen.
Knights: Amen.
King Arthur: Right! One... Two... Five!
Sir Galahad: Three, sir!
King Arthur: Three!
Margaret Tate: If you touch my ass one more time I will cut your balls off in your sleep, okay?
Richie Vento: Yeah, get me Hollycourt 55377. Hello, it's Daddy. Hey, darling. Put Mommy on the phone. Yeah, Barbara, it's Richie. Yeah lookit, I ain't never coming home no more. Take it easy.
Carla: Since when did every woman in America need completely hairless vaginas on Christmas?
Captain Ron: Hey! Uh, leg feels a lot better now, boss. I always been a fast healer, you know. 'Course I believe in Jesus, so that helps.
Babs: I don't want to be a pie! I don't like gravy.
Vic Frohmeyer: Nora Krank, we're here for Frosty.
Coach Finstock: There are three rules that I live by: never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese.
Novalee Nation: What do you think? It took me a whole month to get back to my old size.
Thelma 'Sister' Husband: Oh, well, a little weight on a woman is no harm.
Gurgle: Oh, the human mouth is a disgusting place.
Arnie: A little flirtation is harmless but you're dealing with fire here. The fidelity bank and trust is a tough creditor. You make a deposit somewhere else, they close your account - forever.
Detective James Carter: Freeze, or I'll blow your ass cheeks off.
Melody: I didn't get your name.
Lightfoot: Well, I didn't give it to ya'. My name is Lightfoot.
Melody: "Lightfoot"?
Lightfoot: That's right.
Melody: That's a dumb name. I mean, what kind of person would name a kid that, ya' know?
Lightfoot: What's your name?
Melody: Melody.
Lightfoot: "Melody"? That's not a dumb name?.. Hey, maybe we had the same father?
Willow: What are you doing?
Madmartigan: I found some blackroot. She loves it.
Willow: Blackroot? I am the father of two children and you never, ever give a baby blackroot.
Madmartigan: Well my mother raised us on blackroot. It's good for you. Puts hair on your chest. Doesn't it, Sticks?
Willow: Her name is not Sticks. She's Elora Danan, the future empress of Tir Asleen and the last thing she's gonna want is a hairy chest.
Jack Bruno: Don't go in the pimped out fridge Jack.
Paula McFadden: I thought you said you were decent.
Elliot Garfield: I am decent. I also happen to be naked.