Best comedy TV quotes of all time

Wednesday: Dear Santa, we just wanted you to know that even though Mr. Thompson says that there was no such thing as Santa Claus, we didn't believe him. So please come or else it will make us look like dummies. Signed Wednesday and Pugsley Addams.

Escargoon: You Know, you're a real couch potato. You're as big as a couch and you're full of potatoes.

Nick Miller: You're a freaking gold digger, Jess.
Jess: Do you think that if I were a gold digger, I'd be interested in you? I would be the worst gold digger in the world.

Pilot - S1-E1

Georgie: Admit it, he's adopted.
Sheldon: How can I be adopted when I have a twin sister? Think, monkey, think.
Missy: I wish I was adopted.
Mary: That can still be arranged.

Cubs Fan ★

Parade - S2-E4

Eddie: So, er, what did you do then?
Falklands War Vet: Well, I'd rather not talk about it.
Eddie: Why? Is it embarrassing? Shit your pants, did you? Cry, did you?
Falklands War Vet: Quite the opposite, actually.
Eddie: What, you sucked water in through your eyes?

Blair Warner: I don't go to wing-dings, I go to cotillions.
Jo Polniaczek: Well if that is a dance at the Hillcrest Country Club, then your cotillion and my wing-ding are the same thing.

Hank Moody: You're so beautiful you're almost ugly.

Alex P. Keaton: Mallory, someone stupid called... sometime today... about something trivial.
Mallory Keaton: Alex you know that could be any one of my friends.

Joe: If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we'd all have a wonderful Christmas.

Season 1 generally

Inspector Grim: It's my arse on the line and I don't want a cock-up!

Deputy Travis Junior: Getting two tickets to an execution is like getting two tickets to NASCAR, except you know Jeff Gordon's gonna die.

Cartman Gets an Anal Probe - S1-E2

Cartman: How come everything today has involved things either coming in or going out of my ass?

Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers - S2-E8

Berta: Well gadzooks! Zippy's got his freak on.
Charlie: Yeah he has.
Berta: Well if they can put a man on the moon they can put a woman on your brother. (00:03:04)

Ssiscool ★

Nathan Stark: Good job, Carter... Wow, that didn't even leave a bad taste in my mouth.
Marshall Jack Carter: Wait for it.
Nathan Stark: ...Oh, there it is.

Captain: Why would he use his son's gun? He knew that we would trace it back to that house. It doesn't make sense.
Burl Loomis: A lot of things don't make sense. Why are nickels bigger than dimes?
Captain: That's a good point.
Loomis: Why does Hawaii have an interstate highway?
Captain: Another excellent question.
Loomis: Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Captain: I don't know. I couldn't say.
Loomis: Why did the Flintstones celebrate Christmas?
Captain: When are you retiring?
Loomis: Four hundred and seventy four days.
Captain: Does that include today?
Loomis: Yes it does.

Bishop73

Day Care - S2-E3

Zack: [Watching Cody calming a baby.] Wow, how'd you figure out that rock and bounce technique?
Cody: It's not a technique. I just really have to go to the bathroom!

A Day in the Life of Retsuko - S1-E1

Fenneko: Your chill game is something to behold.

Quantom X ★

Pompeii and Circumstance - S1-E12

Saladicus: Those who are about to fight, salute me. I am the Emperor Caesar Saladicus. Do you have any last requests?
Shaggy: Hold the anchovies.

Quantom X ★

Luna: Lincoln why didn't you tell us you had a girlfriend?

Charlie Kelly: Hooooly shit! Is that the ocean?
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, buddy, that's the ocean.
Charlie Kelly: What's on the other side of it there?
Frank Reynolds: Europe.
Charlie Kelly: Now, how long would it take.
Dennis Reynolds: Do not try and swim to Europe.
Charlie Kelly: Don't swim to Europe.
Frank Reynolds: Do not.