Best comedy TV quotes of all time

Hank Moody: You're so beautiful you're almost ugly.

Nick Miller: You're a freaking gold digger, Jess.
Jess: Do you think that if I were a gold digger, I'd be interested in you? I would be the worst gold digger in the world.

Season 1 generally

Inspector Grim: It's my arse on the line and I don't want a cock-up!

Dietrich: Was that Mrs. Miller?
Barney Miller: Yeah.
Dietrich: Past tense was unintentional.

Blair Warner: I don't go to wing-dings, I go to cotillions.
Jo Polniaczek: Well if that is a dance at the Hillcrest Country Club, then your cotillion and my wing-ding are the same thing.

Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers - S2-E8

Berta: Well gadzooks! Zippy's got his freak on.
Charlie: Yeah he has.
Berta: Well if they can put a man on the moon they can put a woman on your brother. (00:03:04)

Ssiscool ★

Fiona Gallagher: Did the two of us finish an entire gallon of box wine the other night?

Cartman Gets an Anal Probe - S1-E2

Cartman: How come everything today has involved things either coming in or going out of my ass?

Greg: You wanna have children?
Dharma: Yeah, unless you wanna have 'em.

The Sofa-Bed - S1-E1

Jackie: And Martin! How many times do I have to tell you? Stop eating out of the bin!
Johnny: Classic.
Adam: Classic.

Ssiscool ★

Eddie: Patsy hasn't eaten since 1974.
Patsy: A crisp, darling. A crisp.

Frank Drebin: We're sorry to bother you at such a time like this, Mrs. Twice. We would have come earlier, but your husband wasn't dead then.

A Day in the Life of Retsuko - S1-E1

Fenneko: Your chill game is something to behold.

Quantom X ★

Captain: Why would he use his son's gun? He knew that we would trace it back to that house. It doesn't make sense.
Burl Loomis: A lot of things don't make sense. Why are nickels bigger than dimes?
Captain: That's a good point.
Loomis: Why does Hawaii have an interstate highway?
Captain: Another excellent question.
Loomis: Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Captain: I don't know. I couldn't say.
Loomis: Why did the Flintstones celebrate Christmas?
Captain: When are you retiring?
Loomis: Four hundred and seventy four days.
Captain: Does that include today?
Loomis: Yes it does.

Bishop73

Day Care - S2-E3

Zack: [Watching Cody calming a baby.] Wow, how'd you figure out that rock and bounce technique?
Cody: It's not a technique. I just really have to go to the bathroom!

Pompeii and Circumstance - S1-E12

Saladicus: Those who are about to fight, salute me. I am the Emperor Caesar Saladicus. Do you have any last requests?
Shaggy: Hold the anchovies.

Quantom X ★

Luna: Lincoln why didn't you tell us you had a girlfriend?

What I Meant To Say - S3-E3

Mr. Williams: I'm here to teach you to find the truth in the media. Because there is a difference between what they say, and what is real.
Mr. Turner: That was very good. Watch this: Hunter, what did he just say?
Shawn: Something about Israel.

Phaneron ★

Abra Cadaver - S2-E7

Liv: They identified a hair found in the sink drain of Meat Cute as belonging to missing astronaut Alan York. You killed the fourth man who walked on the moon?
Blaine: Please, nobody cares about the fourth person to do something.

Bishop73

Neighbours - S8-E20

Tim: Al, why don't you tell us your favorite part of gardening?
Al: Well, I'd have to say it's getting down and dirty with my hoe.

Phaneron ★