Deputy Travis Junior: Getting two tickets to an execution is like getting two tickets to NASCAR, except you know Jeff Gordon's gonna die.
Deputy Travis Junior: To me it doesn't make sense if you gotta pray facin' a certain way... if God's everywhere shouldn't you be able to face any which way when you pray? Like is his receiver somewhere in the Middle East and he's listening to the receiver or somethin'?
Deputy James Garcia: Yeah, it's like, I have a plan with God but it's like a bad cell plan, doesn't work in certain areas.
Deputy Travis Junior: Five calls a day.
Deputy James Garcia: See I got anytime minutes with my God.
Lt. Jim Dangle: You know what's flying in? Oh, a period... to your fucking sentence about the Lady Wolfback just arrived.
Terry: I heard a rumor.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: What's that, Ter?
Terry: Mexican werewolves are coming up from Mexico and selling crack.
Deputy James Garcia: Last night was just a jumpstart, I got feelings, and I wanna do this right.
Deputy Clementine Johnson: Well, we can do it right later. Let's just do it wrong.
Deputy Travis Junior: I think that Craig is a good match for Wiegel. Because, you know he's a killer, and Trudy wants to kill herself.
Deputy Travis Junior: But she can't ever really do it. She don't succeed.
Deputy James Garcia: So Craig could be there to give her the extra little push she needs. He'd be the one going "Go ahead and do it." Kind of like a Death Leprechaun.
Deputy Travis Junior: Dude, that would be a wicked cool name for a band.
Lt. Jim Dangle: I can't imagine any woman having sex with Garcia. I think it would be really angry, the sex.
Deputy S. Jones: You think so?
Lt. Jim Dangle: Have you ever heard him in the john? It's like Normandy.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: As far as joining the FBI is concerned, let me put it this way. I failed a test to get in a book club.
Lt. Jim Dangle: I think I'm just flat out drunk.
Lt. Jim Dangle: Let me explain: Wiegel's fucking crazy.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: I don't go to your job and tell you, "You're goin' to hell."
Lt. Jim Dangle: Okay, the FBI agents want one of us to introduce them at the press conference. Who remembers their names?
Deputy James Garcia: Ooh, ooh. Deputy James Garcia.
Deputy Travis Junior: I actually wanted to be in the FBI for about 20 minutes after I saw that movie with Jodie Foster and that guy who eats people in his basement, but I was really stoned at the time. And to be honest with you, for about 20 minutes, I also thought about making a dress out of people.
Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Clemmy's unborn child is hopefully going to be a bastard, because... I'll tell ya, I've seen some of the men that she's spent time with and A: half of them are not... you know, white. And B: the other half are, uh, no more than above a fifth grade education.
