Michael Scott: This is an environment of welcoming, and you should just get the hell outta here.
Barney: Suit up!
Roger: Look at us, Steve. Neck and neck. May the best man win.
Steve: Well that's gonna be me, because your weird gut's about to hit the wall.
Roger: Not if your boner hits it first.
Steve: What? I don't have a boner.
Roger: You're about to.
Steve: How? What are you gonna do?
Roger: I don't have to do anything. You're a teenage boy who just heard the word "boner." It's already happening.
Steve: No. Not now. Not like this. Oh, God! Not like this! [Steve struggles to prevent his erection but it's heard hitting the wall.]
Steve: Damn it.
Roger: Yes! I won.
Francine: You did, Roger. But, in a way, I feel like we all won.
Roger: What? Wait, what?
Francine: Because it brought us all closer together.
Steve: You're right. I thought I was in a race, but really, I was in a family.
Roger: Okay, I see what's happening here. Yeah. You're trying to screw me out of my victory. We all heard his dick hit the wall.
Dr. Meredith Grey: At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines that are way too dangerous to cross.
Rochelle Rock: I'm gonna slap the black off you.
Police officer: It's police policy not to waste resources looking for a missing person in the first 24 hours because they usually show up on their own, and after 24 hours, if they're still missing, it usually means they're dead and we don't look for them that hard then either.
Charlie Kelly: Ohhhh shit! Look at that door, dude. See that door there? The one marked "Pirate"? You think a pirate lives in there?
Quinn: Ok, we are breaking up.
Silas Botwin: Come on, think of all the time this will save us on foreplay, just whisper, "Shoot me in the optimum kill zone," I'll be good to go.
Quinn: I could whisper, "Linoleum" and you'd be good to go.
Ed Wuncler: The only joy I get from these parties is standing around telling mean-spirited jokes at other people's expense.
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: I do that, too.
Ed Wuncler: Check out that guy. Why is his face all twisted up like that? Looks like he jacks off with Icy Hot. He looks like he just shit a gerbil.
Vicky: You know, maybe we shouldn't drink while the kids live here.
Dave: Come on, Vicky, we drink because the kids live here.
Valerie Cherish: Instead of the barbeque line I could say, "If I let you have the puppies I'll have to let weird old Mr. Schmidt have a SATAN flag!" See, that's good, because everybody hates Satan.
Clay: Orel, love gets in the way of the important things in life. Like going to sleep or being left alone.
Marni Fliss: If you have baggage, I want to know about it.
Nate Solomon: If? Have you MET me?
Danny: But I thought you had to pee.
Anne Sorelli: My anger absorbed it. Outside, now.
Mr. Blick: The Kraken ate my tail.