Best TV quotes of all time

Summer Holiday - S2-E6

Mike: Where's Vyvyan?
Rik: Well, he said he was going inside to water his plant. Strange that such a ruthless and sadistic maniac as Vyvyan should care for a begonia. Must have had it two years now.
Mike: And it was dead when he got it.
Rik: Yes... Still, give him his credit - he's watered it every day!
Mike: Only because he can't be bothered to go upstairs to the lavatory.

Adam Demamp: I'm like one of those dragons from Avatar.

Nick Miller: You're a freaking gold digger, Jess.
Jess: Do you think that if I were a gold digger, I'd be interested in you? I would be the worst gold digger in the world.

Jim Rockford: Hey, I'm sorry Dad, you just caught me at a bad time. Reading that detective fiction doesn't help. I mean things aren't like that you know? They're not black and white. There aren't any heroes left, they die young [pointing to a book cover]. His gun is deadly? Mine's in a cookie jar.

The Sofa-Bed - S1-E1

Jackie: And Martin! How many times do I have to tell you? Stop eating out of the bin!
Johnny: Classic.
Adam: Classic.

Ssiscool ★

Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers - S2-E8

Berta: Well gadzooks! Zippy's got his freak on.
Charlie: Yeah he has.
Berta: Well if they can put a man on the moon they can put a woman on your brother. (00:03:04)

Ssiscool ★

Rev. Morgan Hamilton: We cannot fight hate with hate. What are we teaching our children today? That will make things better tomorrow?

Fiona Gallagher: Did the two of us finish an entire gallon of box wine the other night?

Friends - S2-E20

MacGyver: For the past seven years I have done nothing but travel around the world getting shot up, locked up, blown up...and all I have to show for it are a couple of empty rolls of duct tape.

Joe Hackett: This is the dumbest thing Brian's ever done, and he once painted me blue.

Pilot - S1-E1

Michael: They're going to keep Dad in jail until this whole thing gets sorted out. [Silence.] Also, I've been told that the company's expense accounts have been frozen. [Gasps.] Interesting. I would have expected that after "they're keeping Dad in jail."

Dear Mom and Dad - S1-E22

Roseanne: If my parents move to Lanford, I'm gonna be sleeping on a cot for the rest of my life because I'm gonna be in prison for blowing them away.
Dan: Honey, Honey, be realistic. You don't know how to use a gun. I'll do it.

raywest ★

Night of the Sentinels: Part 1 - S1-E1

Morph: [imitating Senator Kelly] My fellow Americans, I am an idiot.

Phaneron ★

Michael Kyle: Well, guess what Junior? You're from the mean streets of Stamford, Connecticut.

Darrin Stephens: Sam, don't expect your mother to be gracious. She doesn't do imitations.

Michael Knight: I need ya buddy.
KITT: Right away Michael.

Dominic Santini: Why can't we hover like regular helicopter people?

Coach Toomey: Actually, Burdett never made the team.
Carl Kolchak: No?
Coach Toomey: You see, his butterfly stroke was like an effeminate moth.

Alf Stewart: He's as crooked as a dog's hind leg.

White Orchids - S7-E13

Patrick Jane: Don't worry.
Teresa Lisbon: Don't worry about what?
Patrick Jane: You're worried that I'm gonna be upset because you invited your brothers to our marriage.
Teresa Lisbon: How did you know that?
Patrick Jane: When we're married, you think you might stop asking that question?

Cubs Fan ★