Best TV quotes of all time

Red Letter Day - S5-E19

Kimball Cho: What do you need?
Patrick Jane: Backup.
Kimball Cho: I don't like it when you say you need backup and nothing's happened yet.

Cubs Fan ★

Destro: Premature panic is the sign of an immature mind.

Blair Warner: I don't go to wing-dings, I go to cotillions.
Jo Polniaczek: Well if that is a dance at the Hillcrest Country Club, then your cotillion and my wing-ding are the same thing.

Night of a Thousand Stars - S2-E11

Korra: You have a battleship?
Varrick: Of course I do! I bought the first one they made! Named her the Zhu Li.
Bolin: You named your battleship after your assistant?
Varrick: Yep! They're both cold, heartless war machines.

Sarah: Does your mother know you write plays and things?
Saffie: No, and I don't want her to either, so don't say anything.
Sarah: Oh, you don't need to worry. I don't speak to her anymore. Not since she gave me that chemical peel.
Saffie: Well, it wasn't so much chemical. And not so much peel. She set fire to your pig-tails.
Sarah: It's a good job I'm thick-skinned... Well, except for the shoulder.

Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers - S2-E8

Berta: Well gadzooks! Zippy's got his freak on.
Charlie: Yeah he has.
Berta: Well if they can put a man on the moon they can put a woman on your brother. (00:03:04)

Ssiscool ★

Alf Stewart: He's as crooked as a dog's hind leg.

The Evil Queen - S2-E20

Cora: Love is weakness. It feels real now, at the start it always does, but it's an illusion. It fades and then you're left with nothing!

Francisco Guerra

Dan: I don't know whether to laugh or to shoot you.
Lucifer: Surprise me.

The Sofa-Bed - S1-E1

Jackie: And Martin! How many times do I have to tell you? Stop eating out of the bin!
Johnny: Classic.
Adam: Classic.

Ssiscool ★

John Bacchus: You're under arrest.
George Gently: He's under arrest, when I say he is.

Dear Mom and Dad - S1-E22

Roseanne: If my parents move to Lanford, I'm gonna be sleeping on a cot for the rest of my life because I'm gonna be in prison for blowing them away.
Dan: Honey, Honey, be realistic. You don't know how to use a gun. I'll do it.

raywest ★

Season 1 generally

Inspector Grim: It's my arse on the line and I don't want a cock-up!

Alex P. Keaton: Mallory, someone stupid called... sometime today... about something trivial.
Mallory Keaton: Alex you know that could be any one of my friends.

Alice: I'm all ears. Well I'm not all ears... I'm face and tummy and legs and lots of other bits, including some rather private bits I only let a doctor see. Only he wasn't a doctor, and he got arrested soon after.

Pilot - S1-E1

Michael: They're going to keep Dad in jail until this whole thing gets sorted out. [Silence.] Also, I've been told that the company's expense accounts have been frozen. [Gasps.] Interesting. I would have expected that after "they're keeping Dad in jail."

Worlds Finest - S1-E18

Cat Grant: All four of you standing there doing nothing, you look like the attractive yet non-threatening, racially diverse cast of a CW show.

Jon Sandys ★

Nathan Stark: Good job, Carter... Wow, that didn't even leave a bad taste in my mouth.
Marshall Jack Carter: Wait for it.
Nathan Stark: ...Oh, there it is.

Summer Holiday - S2-E6

Mike: Where's Vyvyan?
Rik: Well, he said he was going inside to water his plant. Strange that such a ruthless and sadistic maniac as Vyvyan should care for a begonia. Must have had it two years now.
Mike: And it was dead when he got it.
Rik: Yes... Still, give him his credit - he's watered it every day!
Mike: Only because he can't be bothered to go upstairs to the lavatory.

Rochelle Rock: I'm gonna slap the black off you.