Cole: Phoebe, I love you. I don't know what's going on but maybe I can help. Would you like me to kill someone for you?
Dr. Temperance Brennan: I've never gotten a B and I never will.
Seeley Booth: That's my girl.
Michael Scott: This is an environment of welcoming, and you should just get the hell outta here.
Doug Heffernan: Hey, Deac, let me ask you, do you think Carrie's gained weight?
Deacon Palmer: Say what?
Doug Heffernan: Carrie, my wife, do you think she's gained a little weight, a couple pounds, maybe?
Deacon Palmer: I don't know. Every time I see her she's blocked by you.
Laura: I hate that Nellie Oleson.
Caroline: Laura! Don't say "hate" - don't even think "hate"! I'm sure Nellie has her good qualities somewhere.
Charles: Your ma's right, half-pint. Now on the way home, we'll try and think of some.
Coombs: I knew I should have updated my will before agreeing to off-world assignments.
Felger: You are not going to die, Coombs.
Coombs: Oh, come on, Felger. We might as well be wearing red shirts.
Felger: I don't get that.
Fidelity (aka: Truth or Consequences) - S1-E7
House: As long as you're trying to be good, you can do whatever you want.
Dr. Wilson: And as long as you're not trying, you can say whatever you want.
House: So between us, we can do whatever we want. We can rule the world!
Naomi Oates Harper: Sonja, honey, did your mama ever talk to you about boys?
Sonja Harper: Well, she told me never to marry a locksmith.
Barney: Suit up!
Christmas With the Joker - S1-E38
Joker: Jingle bells, Batman smells. Robin laid an egg. The Batmobile lost a wheel and the Joker got awaaaaaaaaayyyyy.
Roger: Look at us, Steve. Neck and neck. May the best man win.
Steve: Well that's gonna be me, because your weird gut's about to hit the wall.
Roger: Not if your boner hits it first.
Steve: What? I don't have a boner.
Roger: You're about to.
Steve: How? What are you gonna do?
Roger: I don't have to do anything. You're a teenage boy who just heard the word "boner." It's already happening.
Steve: No. Not now. Not like this. Oh, God! Not like this! [Steve struggles to prevent his erection but it's heard hitting the wall.]
Steve: Damn it.
Roger: Yes! I won.
Francine: You did, Roger. But, in a way, I feel like we all won.
Roger: What? Wait, what?
Francine: Because it brought us all closer together.
Steve: You're right. I thought I was in a race, but really, I was in a family.
Roger: Okay, I see what's happening here. Yeah. You're trying to screw me out of my victory. We all heard his dick hit the wall.
DI Jack Mooney: My grandfather told me a story once, about these two wolves fighting inside all of us. And one of them is anger, envy, self-pity, regret. The other one is love, truth, faith, hope, that sort of thing.
And I asked him "which one of the wolves would win?" And do you know what he said?
"The one you feed." (00:18:15)
Bobby Brady: Mom always says not to play ball in the house.
Agent Hotchner: This is Special Agent Dr. Reid.
Man: You look too young to have gone to medical school.
Agent Reid: They are PhD's. Three of them.
Man: What, are you a genius or something?
Agent Reid: I don't believe that intelligence can be accurately quantified, but I do have an IQ of 187, an eidetic memory, can read 20,000 words per minute...yes, I'm a genius.
Grace Burgess: You think I am a whore?
Tommy Shelby: Everyone's a whore, Grace. We just sell different parts of ourselves.
[Blackadder puts the phone down.]
Baldrick: Who was that?
Blackadder: Strangely enough Baldrick, that was his Holiness Pope Gregory IX, inviting me to join him for drinks aboard his steam yacht, the Saucy Sue, currently wintering in Montego Bay, with the England cricket team, and the Balinese Goddes of Plenty.
Baldrick: Really?
Blackadder: No, not really. I've been ordered to HQ - no doubt means that idiot General Melchett is about to offer me an attractive new opportunity to have my brains blown out for Britain.
Paladin: I don't think you got a very good look at this gun while you had it. The balance is perfect. This trigger responds to a pressure of one ounce. If you look carefully in the barrel you'll see the lines of the rifling. It's a rarity in a hand weapon. This gun was handcrafted to my specifications and I rarely draw it unless I mean to use it. Would you care for a demonstration?