Jay Pritchett: God knows I couldn't love them more, but even the Kennedy's didn't get together this often.
Damon Salvatore: I DO believe in killing the messenger. Why? Because it sends a message.
Jeff Winger: Have you learned nothing from your insipid Twilight books? Men are monsters who crave young flesh.
Bobby Cobb: I'm bad at sex. There's a lot of thrashing and thumping, but nothing really gets done. I'm like a broken dishwasher.
Nathan Young: Come on Barry, you're good at this sort of stuff. Think of something.
Simon Bellamy: Who's Barry?
Nathan Young: ...You are.
Kelly Bailey: His name is Simon.
Nathan Young: Is it? I thought it was Barry. Sorry mate.
Artie Nelson: Y'know what the Talmud says? When someone's comin' to kill ya, get up early, kill 'em first.
Tim the Bear: Arianna. Robert. I walked in on them. They were playing Hide The Salman Rushdie.
White Knight: Believe it or not, a word in your head.
Alice: What?
Hatter: Don't ask.
Rafi: You spend all your time reading books and looking at numbers and letters like they mean something.
Ruxin: They do. Do you know how to read?
Rafi: I get by, all right?
Ruxin: What do you know?
Rafi: You know, like... red means stop.
Ruxin: Great.
Rafi: Green means go.
Ruxin: Good.
Rafi: Yellow's the other one.
Soldiers: Our orders are to take you with us.
The Doctor: And whose orders are those, then?
Soldiers: Colonel Stark, sir.
The Doctor: Colonel Stark?.. And who's that, then?
Ted Crisp: Don't blame me for how I look, God made me this way, and then he told me where to shop for suits.
Jeff Rubin: Chuck Paulsen crapped all over us in The New York Times.
Sam Reich: We can't let Ricky see that.
Ricky Van Veen: Too late, Chuck Paulsen already sent me a copy.
Sarah Schneider: Any press is good press?
Ricky Van Veen: "Fuck you, CollegeHumor"?