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Jimmy McGill: Who do I see? Chet. He drove up and he double parked outside a Dairy Queen and went in to get some soft serve. Now Chet drove, and this will give you an idea of exactly what kind of douche bag this guy was, drove a white pearlescent BMW 7-Series with white leather interior. So I saw that thing, and I had, I'd had a few, like I said, and uh... I climbed up top, and I may have... Defecated, uh... Through the sunroof... Not my finest hour, I'll grant you that. But! That's what a Chicago Sunroof is. Now you know. It's a real thing, I didn't make it up, not the first person to do it, there's a name for it. Guy wanted some soft serve, I gave him soft serve. I did not know that his children were in the backseat. There was a level of tint on the windows that I'll maintain to this day, was not legal in an Illinois licenced vehicle. But somehow, that's on me, I guess.

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Archer Vice: Baby Shower - S5-E6

Ray: No, we have to play games at the baby shower. There's Don't Drop the Baby, uh, Dirty Diaper Game.
Cyril: What in God's name is the Dirty Diaper Game?
Ray: Oh, my God, it's hilarious. You get a bunch of newborn diapers, then you microwave different candy bars...
Cyril: Stop! Yeah, let me stop you there because, if you finish that sentence, I'm going to rub cocaine in your eyes until you are blind.
Ray: Goddamn, Shawshank.

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Ernest: How'd you do that?
Kenny: It's the milk! It eradicates them.
Ernest: Yeah, gets rid of them too.

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Edgar: I go out. I work my butt off to make a living. All I want is to come home to a nice clean house with a nice fat steak on the table. But instead I get this. It looks like poison. Don't you take that away! I'm eating that, damn it! It is poison isn't it!? I swear to God, I would not be surprised if it was.

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Ty Webb: Just let it happen. Be the ball. Be the ball, Danny. You're not being the ball, Danny.
Danny Noonan: Well it's kinda difficult with you talking like that.
Ty Webb: Okay, I'm not talking...stopped talking. I'm not talking now. Be the ball.

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Roland Jaycocks: Meet Tony the Toilet Buddy. And when you sit down to do your business, this is how he works.
Tony the Toilet Buddy: Oh yeah, that's the way! Gosh you're big! You're so big! My goodness, look at you! Fill me up, Chandler, put it in me.
Roland: Chandler's my youngest, loves it.
Toilet Buddy: Give it to me, Chandler. I want it all. Mmm! Ahh.

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Kabral: The black guy always dies. Think about it, man. Unforgiven. Alien. Rocky IV. The Shining.
Roy: Star Trek II. Forrest Gump. Witness.
Bud: Annie Hall. Not Annie Hall.
Roy: No, Night of the Living Dead.
Bud: That's the one!
Kabral: And what about that brother in Jurassic Park, man?
Bud: There were two black guys who died in that one. That was a twofer. You must be really pissed off at that one.

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Ellie Sattler: What's so wrong with kids?
Alan Grant: Oh Ellie, look, they're noisy, they're messy, they're expensive. They smell. Some of them smell, babies smell.

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George Kirk: What are we going to call him?
Winona Kirk: We can name him after your father.
George Kirk: Tiberius? Are you kidding me? No, that's the worst.

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Chief Dwayne: Now you listen to me, mister. I don't know who the hell you think you are or what you're doing, but you just destroyed a building! Now we do not want your help, is that clear? We don't want your help. I've got a 100 people down here and they are covered with glass!
John McClane: Glass? Who gives a shit about glass?

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Jimmy Flaherty: Prison won't be so bad. I can became a born-again Christian. And that'll be good. Because nobody wants a born-again Christian as their bitch.

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Store Clerk: Enough! You're it! And no touch backs, no do overs, no erasies, and this whole store is home free!
Harry: Lloyd, can he do that?
Lloyd: Oh yeah Harry. He can. He did. And now...it's on like Donkey Kong. Pay the man.
Harry: Pay the man.

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Malory Archer: An erection?! The thought of me dead gives you an erection!?
Sterling Archer: No! Just half a one, the other half would have really missed you. I mean, not.

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Zeus: Watch it, watch it, watch it, watch it, watch it! Are you aiming for these people?
John: No. Well, maybe that mime.

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Raymond: Uncle, you better come look at this.
Zeus: What?
Raymond: There's a white man standing in the street.
Zeus: I've seen one.
Raymond: Not like this.
Zeus: [Sees John McClane.] Dial 9-1-1. Tell the police to get up here quick, somebody's about to get killed.

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Uncle Buck: We've done the battle of the wills. The deck's stacked in my favor. You're just going to lose again.
Tia Russell: Try me.
Uncle Buck: How'd you like to spend the next several nights wondering if your crazy, out of work, bum uncle will shave your head while you sleep? See you in the car.

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Buck Russell: I, I, I'm real sorry about those bushes too. I had no idea that they would all catch on fire like that and you were right. I should have never put the BBQ that close.

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