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Mr. Monk Visits a Farm - S5-E14

Jimmy Belmont: Well, here I am. You wanna ask me something, go right ahead.
Monk: OK. What's back there? Let me guess. Fields of reefer.
Jimmy: Fields of reefer? What kind of cop were you?
Monk: You know what I mean. Ditchweed. Boo. The old Ali Babba.
Jimmy: What makes you think I'd actually...
Monk: Magic Dragon, Bambalachi, Yellow Submarine, Black Bart, Doctor Giggles, Kentucky Blue. You know what I'm talking about. I'm talking about Railroad Weed. That's right, the Devil's Parsley. Skunk. Splim, Splam, Mooster. Side Salad.
Jimmy: Side Salad?

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Mr. Monk and the Really, Really Dead Guy - S5-E15

Julie Teeger: There you go. You're online.
Monk: Oh... Oh... I'm on the web! The World Wide Web.
Julie Teeger: Welcome to 1998, Mr. Monk.

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Episode 9 - S1-E9

Agatha Harkness: Wanda, you've never been up against another witch before. Did you know there's and entire chapter devoted to you in the Darkhold. That's the book of the damned. The Scarlet Witch is not born, she is forged. She has no coven, no need for incantation.
Wanda Maximoff: I'm not a witch. I don't cast spells. No one taught me magic!
Agatha Harkness: Your powers exceeds that of the Sorcerer Supreme. It's your destiny to destroy the world.

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Mr. Monk and the Class Reunion - S5-E6

Randy Disher: Captain? I, uh, tracked down Kalimarakis. I don't think he's our guy. Number one, it turns out he was allowed to join the Olympic swim team as an alternate. He got a waiver.
Captain Stottlemeyer: So there's no motive.
Disher: Right. Number two, he's dead. He died in 1995. And number three, he moved to Europe in the late 80's. So there's no record of him ever returning.
Stottlemeyer: Randy. Randy. Excuse me. Sorry to interrupt you, but could you read number two again?
Disher: Okeedoke. He's dead.
Stottlemeyer: Right. See, I probably would have stopped reading after number two. In fact, I would have read number two first.
Disher: You would have switched them?
Stottlemeyer: Yeah. But that's just me. And probably every other adult on the planet Earth.

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Mr. Monk Can't See a Thing - S5-E4

Randy Disher: Is that your Ferrari out there?
Peter Breen: That's one of them.
Randy: Do you like it? I was thinking of getting one myself. It's either between that or the Ford Festiva.

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Mr. Monk and the Garbage Strike - S5-E2

Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, I have been burned twice this week already. Are you sure about this? I mean, are you absolutely sure? [Monk smiles] That's good enough for me.

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Mr. Monk and the Actor - S5-E1

Dr. Kroger: And they cancelled the movie?
Monk: He said he wanted to play a character that wasn't so dark and depressing. He's in England, doing Hamlet.

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Mr. Monk Takes Manhattan - S3-E1

Warrick Tennyson: You were the husband?
Adrian Monk: I am the husband.
Warrick Tennyson: Forgive me.
Adrian Monk: Forgive you? This is me...turning off your morphine. [Turns off morphine. Long pause. Monk covers his eyes and begins to cry.] And this is Trudy, the woman you killed...turning it back on. [Turns on morphine].

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Mr. Monk Goes to the Office - S4-E4

Natalie: I use to work at a place like this. I lasted about two weeks. You do the same thing everyday.
Monk: The same thing.
Natalie: After a while, you get to feel like a number.
Monk: A number.
Natalie: You're just like everybody else.
Monk: Everybody else.
Natalie: You're basically a drone.
Monk: A drone.

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Mr. Monk Takes Manhattan - S3-E1

Sharona: See? You did it. You rode the subway. I'm proud of you, you're becoming a real New Yorker.
Monk: I rode on the subway.
Homeless Man: Change?
Monk: Yes, I think I did.

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Mr. Monk Gets Married - S2-E15

Sharona: What are you doing?
Monk: This shelf. I can't sleep with a crooked shelf in the room
Sharona: Well, when you turn off the light, you won't see it.
Monk: I wish you could hear yourself sometimes. You live in a dream world.

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Mr. Monk Goes Back to School - S2-E1

Monk: Hold on. You'll thank me later.
Sharona: You always say that. Have I ever once thanked you later?
Monk: No.

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Secrets - S2-E9

Jack O'Neill: Armin, let me do you a favor. You don't know anything. Don't embarrass yourself.
Armin Selig: I know those two brilliant flashes in the night sky a few months ago were really alien ships on their way to attack Earth. You blew them up.
Jack O'Neill: I did? All right. [Sighs] If you're gonna go ahead with it, I want to make sure you get one thing right. It's O'Neill with two L's. There's another Colonel O'Neil with only one L. He has no sense of humor at all.

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[Dr. Bravestone driving towards the flock of ostriches]
"Mouse" Finbar: What are you doing?
"Shelly" Oberon: Birds, birds, birds, birds! Birds!
[Dr. Bravestone turns around, driving towards the cliff.]
Oberon: What the hell, man!
Bravestone: They're flightless birds.
Ruby Roundhouse: This is a flightless dune buggy!

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Chapter 8: Redemption - S1-E8

Greef Karga: He missed!
The Mandalorian: He won't next time.
Cara Dune: Our blasters are useless against him.
Greef Karga: Hey, let's make the baby to the magic hand thing. Come on, baby! [Waving his fingers] Do the magic hand thing. [The Child coos.] I'm out of ideas.

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Mike Donnelly: [On the phone] Every guy's got his dream, am I right? Between you, me, and the wall here, I had a doozy of one myself last night. Get this. A corn-fed harvest mouse, a hooker, a nun, a Flemish peasant woman, whips, chains, whistles, yo-yos, a circus midget, my grandmother riding by on a bicycle giving me the finger, and a duck. Now, I don't know. Are you crying? Oh, my lord. I am sorry, honey. Please don't cry, could you get your daddy on the phone?

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Mike Donnelly: How ya doing, buddy? Transporting a prisoner. 12th precinct up in Buckley Town. My sergeant didn't give me any overtime, so I'm trying to do it lickety-split.
Motorcycle Cop: Tell me, officer, do you have any idea how fast you were going?
Mike: Well. I got a 426 hemi in her, 3/4 cams, nitro boosters. I can get her up to as good as 155. Never do though of course, unless I'm chasing a cute chick in a Ferrari. Hahahahaha. I guess I was going about 65, tops.
Motorcycle Cop: Seven! Seven miles an hour! And normally when I stop people they pull onto the shoulder.

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Steve Dodds: Are you or are you not the black angel of death?
Mike Donnelly: Without question.
Steve: Don't agree with me. It just pisses me off more.

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Joey Hammen: Wait a minute. I know you. You're Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. You play basketball for the Los Angeles Lakers.
Roger Murdock: I'm sorry, son, but you must have me confused with someone else. My name is Roger Murdock. I'm the co-pilot.
Joey: You are Kareem. I've seen you play. My dad's got season tickets.
Roger: I think you should go back to your seat now, Joey. Right, Clarence?
Clarence Oveur: No, he's not bothering anyone. Let him stay here.
Roger: All right, but just remember, my name is Roger Murdock. I'm an airline pilot.
Joey: I think you're the greatest. But my dad says you don't work hard enough on defense. And he says that lots of times, you don't even run downcourt. And that you don't really try except during the playoffs.
Roger: The hell I don't! Listen, kid. I've been hearing that crap ever since I was at ULCA. I'm out there busting my buns every night. Tell your old man to drag Walton and Lanier up and down the court for 48 minutes.

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The Star-Spangled Man - S1-E2

Sam: You don't have to trust Redwing. But I'm going to go see if he right. 'Cause I have a feeling they might be part of the Big Three.
Bucky: What Big Three?
Sam: THE Big Three.
Bucky: What Big Three?
Sam: Androids, aliens, and wizards.
Bucky: That's not a thing.
Sam: That's definitely a thing.
Bucky: No, it's not.
Sam: Every tine we fight, we fight one of the three.
Bucky: So who are you fighting now? Gandalf?
Sam: How do you know about Gandalf?
Bucky: I read The Hobbit...in 1937 when it first came out.

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