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Paul Blart: Security's been breached. Of course. Eduardo's in on it. Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, shame on...me. No, that's me twice. That doesn't work.

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Maya Blart: Look, Dad, you're going to have to get use to the idea that I'm a big girl now.
Paul Blart: Ok, first of all, we're all big. We're Blarts. Wide hips, thick ankles, and a low center of gravity. That's how the good Lord made us. That's why we're no good at running hurdles. Never will be.

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Corky Romano: You know, I never thought I'd live to see the day that an FBI agent would be peddling smack.
Brick Davis: Don't act so surprised. J. Edgar Hoover use to wear a dress.
Corky: Just tell me why, Brick.
Brick: I don't know. I suppose it made him feel sexy.
Corky: Not Hoover, you.
Brick: I think it's time to get on with the meeting.
Corky: What meeting?
Brick: The meeting between your genitals and this knife.

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Jason O'Day: Ahhhh...so that's it. You're nothing but a conniving pair of undersized land pirates.

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Store Clerk: Well, sir, a covered wagon pulling outta St. Joe didn't take near as much supplies as you got yourself here, Mr. O'Day.
Jason O'Day: You're sure one well-informed man, aren't ya? Now, did you think you can hand me that carton without straining yourself, or are you just tuckered out from sticking your nose in my affairs?

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The Communication Deterioration - S8-E21

Penny: You are a wise man.
Sheldon: Well, Penny, who's smarter, the wise man or the person who comes to him for advice?
Penny: Oh, I guess you're right. Maybe it is the person who asks.
Sheldon: No. It's the wise man. That's why he's called the wise man. You know how I know that? I'm the wise man.

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Hauser: Howdy, stranger. This is Hauser. If things have gone wrong, I'm talking to myself, and you've got a wet towel wrapped around your head. Now, whatever your name is, get ready for the big surprise. You are not you. You are me.
Quaid: No shit.

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Lori: They erased your identity and implanted a new one. I was written in as your wife so I could watch you and make sure the erasure took. Sorry, Quaid, your whole life is just a dream.
Douglas Quaid: Okay then, if I'm not me, who the hell am I?
Lori: Beats me. I just work here.

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Adam: This book reads like stereo instructions. Listen to this. Geographical and temporal perimeters. Functional perimeters vary from manifestation to manifestation.

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Adam: Handbook for the recently diseased.
Barbara: Deceased.

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Pascal: Jesus, Buckman! This stuff has been on the Stingray since Korea! This can expired in 1966!
Buckman: What's the matter, sir? It still tastes like cream corn.
Pascal: Except it's deviled ham.

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Pascal: Buckman! There was a fingernail in my food, you fat-ass moron! Yesterday, it was a band-aid!
Buckman: I'm sorry, sir. The band-aid was holding the fingernail on.

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Larry: Dr. Barbara? A lady doctor? Seriously?
Harry: Lady doctor. That always cracks me up. Yeah, doctor of doing the laundry maybe, am I right?

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Oz: What, no Jewish prayer before we have our ham and cheese?
Jimmy: You got a problem with my religiosity, Oz? Do unto others before you turn into a pillar of salt.
Jill: Exactly. Unless they're a rat. Then you can shoot them in the eyes.
Oz: A pillar of salt?
Jimmy: That's right. Moses said that. Read the bible, Oz.

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Jen the Fredo - S4-E1

Jen: Mr. Reynholm, I don't need to remind you of the report that denounced Reynholm Industries as an institutionally sexist organization.
Douglas: Now you hold on a minute, sugar tits. Everybody saw through that report. And, I even got that award off those feminist. The one shaped like the ice cream fellow.
Jen: That's the Shithead of the Year award. It actually says it on the base, "Shithead of the Year." Did you not read the base?

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Raphael: Hey, Mikey, remember that thing you use to say when we were kids?
Michelangelo: You made me promise never to say it again.
Raphael: Forget about that. Still got one in the tank?
Michelangelo: I've been holding it in for years.
Leonardo: Wait, guys, we need a plan!
Michelangelo: Cowabunga.

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David: What kind of an asshole lives on an island and he doesn't even have a boat?
Jennifer: Maybe we can swim for it. How far do you think it is?
David: No, it's uh, 2 or 3 miles at least, maybe more.
Jennifer: Well, what do you say? Let's go for it.
David: No.
Jennifer: Come on!
David: No! I can't swim
Jennifer: You can't swim?
David: No, I can't. Okay, Wonder Woman? I can't swim.
Jennifer: Well, what kind of an asshole grows up in Seattle and doesn't even know how to swim?

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The Bizarro Jerry - S8-E3

Jerry: She had man hands.
Elaine: Man hands?
Jerry: The hands of a man. It's like a creature out of Greek mythology. I mean, she was like part woman, part horrible beast.
Elaine: Well, would you prefer it if she had no hands at all?
Jerry: Would she have hooks?
Elaine: Do uh, do hooks make it more attractive, Jerry?
Jerry: Kinda cool looking.

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Aunt Irma Visits - S1-E6

Roy: [phone rings.] Hello, IT, have you tried turning it off and on again? Have you tried sticking it up your arse? [hangs up phone.] Oh, yeah, yeah, I just realized that was my mother.

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Yesterday's Jam - S1-E1

Roy: It's like they're all pally-wally when there's a problem with their printer, but once it's fixed-
Moss: They toss us away like yesterday's jam.
Roy: Yes! Yesterday's jam! That is what we are to them. Actually, you know what. That doesn't really work as a thing, because jam lasts for ages.

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