Madea: Sit down you black leprechaun looking like you're out of a damn box of chocolate, lucky charms.
Dwayne: Sometimes fate pulls out its big ol' cock and slaps you right in the face.
Arthur Bishop: Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.
Margaret Thatcher: Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words, because they become actions. Watch your actions, because they become habits. Watch your habits, because they become your character. Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny. What we think, we become.
David Norris: All I have are the choices I make, and I choose her, come what may.
Dave Harken: You can't win a marathon without putting some bandaids on your nipples!
Sherlock Holmes: Uh, hmm... Right. Where are the wagons?
Madam Simza Heron: The wagon is too slow. Can't you ride?
Dr. John Watson: It's not that he can't ride... How is it you put it, Holmes?
Sherlock Holmes: They're dangerous at both ends and... Crafty in the middle. Why would I want anything with a mind of its own bobbing about between my legs?
Henrik Vanger: You will be investigating thieves, misers, bullies. The most detestable collection of people that you will ever meet - my family.
Special Agent James Ross: She got the drop on me in my home, and she told me that if I don't bring her the whereabouts of this man, she's going to kill a member of my family every week until I have none left.
Richard: Are you kidding me?
Special Agent James Ross: Does it seem to you that I would make something like this up? So why don't you just tell me what I should do?
Richard: Call 9-1-1.
Title Card: "The battle against the Devil, which is the principal task of Saint Michael the Archangel, is still being fought today, because the Devil is still alive and active in the world." - Pope John Paul II.
Title Card: What follows is inspired by true events.
Kay: Honor is not a thing to be dismissed or forgotten.
Stan Harris: Nothing beats New York on New Years Eve.
Lord Redbrick: I'm not illiterate! My parents were married!
Emma: A tortilla is either corn or wheat. But a corn tortilla folded and filled is a taco, whereas a filled wheat tortilla is a burrito. Deep fry a burrito, it's a chimichanga. Toast a tortilla, it's a tostada. Roll it, it's an enchilada.
Judy Moody: Can't, I'm busy on Tuesdays... from now, until always.
Jesse Richter: When I'm about to kiss you, you'll know it.
Earl of Oxford: All art is political, Jonson. Otherwise it would just be decoration.