Sherlock Holmes: Uh, hmm... Right. Where are the wagons?
Madam Simza Heron: The wagon is too slow. Can't you ride?
Dr. John Watson: It's not that he can't ride... How is it you put it, Holmes?
Sherlock Holmes: They're dangerous at both ends and... Crafty in the middle. Why would I want anything with a mind of its own bobbing about between my legs?
Henrik Vanger: You will be investigating thieves, misers, bullies. The most detestable collection of people that you will ever meet - my family.
Dave Harken: You can't win a marathon without putting some bandaids on your nipples!
Title Card: "The battle against the Devil, which is the principal task of Saint Michael the Archangel, is still being fought today, because the Devil is still alive and active in the world." - Pope John Paul II.
Title Card: What follows is inspired by true events.
Kay: Honor is not a thing to be dismissed or forgotten.
Special Agent James Ross: She got the drop on me in my home, and she told me that if I don't bring her the whereabouts of this man, she's going to kill a member of my family every week until I have none left.
Richard: Are you kidding me?
Special Agent James Ross: Does it seem to you that I would make something like this up? So why don't you just tell me what I should do?
Richard: Call 9-1-1.
Lord Redbrick: I'm not illiterate! My parents were married!
Emma: A tortilla is either corn or wheat. But a corn tortilla folded and filled is a taco, whereas a filled wheat tortilla is a burrito. Deep fry a burrito, it's a chimichanga. Toast a tortilla, it's a tostada. Roll it, it's an enchilada.
Stan Harris: Nothing beats New York on New Years Eve.
Judy Moody: Can't, I'm busy on Tuesdays... from now, until always.
Rebecca Evans: You're all mine.
Blake: What are all these sharks doing here?
Nick: I dunno. Maybe someone put them there.
Dr. Alfred Jones: When things get tricky in my life, I talk to my fish.
Tina: But I got your back now Noah, because I found out you got some big ass balls, man.
Noah Griffith: Can't buy underwear, balls don't fit.
Ethan: The Hamptons are like a zombie movie directed by Ralph Lauren.
Christopher Robin: You know Pooh you did a very important thing today.
Pooh: I did?
Christopher Robin: Well yes. Instead of thinking of your tummy you thought of your friend.
Pooh: Oh thank you Christopher Robin. And now I don't think I shall be hungry again for a good long while.
Additional Voices: Growling sound.
Pooh: Oh bother.
Christopher Robin: Silly old Bear.
Brad Harris: There is going to be major fallout in a few hours.
Bill Clemont: Nuclear fallout?
Brad Harris: Bird fallout.
Bryan Callen: Tommy Riordan's captured the media's attention, but the question still remains: who is this guy? And more importantly, can he compete in this talent pool? Can he win?
Sam Sheridan: I wish I knew, Bryan. I wish I knew who he was, and I've gotta say the fact that I don't know is strange. In an internet age where there are no secrets, this guy is a complete mystery. I can't find out anything about him. Tommy Riordan is officially Google proof.