Professor Harold Hill: You pile up enough tomorrows, and you'll find you've collected a lot of empty yesterdays.
Amy Myer: We could stage a fight or something. That way they won't be shocked when they find out we didn't last.
Peter Connor: Who says we won't.
Brian: She's like the ones at the Baywatch. They make my penis sneeze.
Larry Gigli: You got a good sense of humor, you know that?
Brian: God bless you.
Larry Gigli: Thank you.
Brian: No, not you, stupid. When my penis sneezes, I say, 'God bless you'... God bless you, penis.
Store Clerk: Enough! You're it! And no touch backs, no do overs, no erasies, and this whole store is home free!
Harry: Lloyd, can he do that?
Lloyd: Oh yeah Harry. He can. He did. And now...it's on like Donkey Kong. Pay the man.
Harry: Pay the man.
Harley: I'm a corpse burrito, dude.
Snakehead: Treat him like a prince.
Mrs. Connelly: Tell me about yourselves. What do you do Alan?
Alex Rose: Uh, it's Alex.
Nancy Kendricks: Alex is a writer.
Mrs. Connelly: Oh, a writer. I always thought of that as more of a hobby than a real job. I suppose I'm forgetting about Joyce.
Alex Rose: Joyce. James Joyce. Of course. Wonderful writer.
Mrs. Connelly: He died drunk and penniless.
Cody Banks: What was my mission again?
Natalie Connors: I think you were going to kiss me.
Chon Wang: Roy! There you are. Need anything, buddy?
Roy: A whole lot of "leave me alone."
Dickie Roberts: May I help you? Was I being too loud in my treeehouse?
Bootsie Carp: You've never fooled me! You're nothing but trash washed over the Canadian border.
Spike: I am Spike. Full name: Down, Spike, down! Get off that couch.
Denis: Eighth floor?
Alexander Kerner: Yup.
Denis: Elevator?
Alexander Kerner: Broken.
Denis: Shit.
Alexander Kerner: You can say that again.
Jack Taylor: What's this I hear about you threatening to spray this play with an AK-47?
Tom Stansfield: Oh... well, I was just making a joke.
Jack Taylor: Oh that's funny to you? People dying? And what's this I hear about you making fun of midgets?
Tom Stansfield: I never make fun of midgets.
Jack Taylor: You said, it would be fun to date one because then you could rest your beer on their head, now I have a sense of humour, but that's just sick.
Harrison: I'll fuckin' finish you off faster than a fuckin' birthday cake at a fat chick's fuckin' birthday party.
Carol: Have you ever been involved with a little person sexually?
Steven Bedalia: No, just kid's stuff, you know? Y'know, all the kids would come over, we'd sit in a circle, play doctor and that kind of thing. Couldn't have been more than ten or twelve, so that doesn't really count.
Carol: So you had a circle jerk with a bunch of little people? I would have loved to see that.
Steven Bedalia: You would like to see that.
Carol: Yes, I would.
Jean-Pierre Thibodoux: To Fat Cobra in the flesh.
DJ Drake: Have you seen those "Mummy" movies? I'm in them more than Brendan Fraser is!
The Devil: Hmm. You know what they say. In order for one to succeed, another must fail.