"Mud": I'm in hell. Shoot me.
Peter: This guy, by the way, could be the biggest loser who ever walked the face of the earth. He could be a grump, a jerk, a pervert, a cynic, a man who's mind is infested with dark thoughts, he could be a criminal... he could be... truly sick.
Captain Thaddeus Harris: Not exactly a four star hotel, is it?
Lieutenant Talinsky: Well, we spend our police budget on fighting criminals, not on pampering out of town visitors.
Captain Thaddeus Harris: It was your government that brought us here.
Lieutenant Talinsky: They also bring in monkeys for zoo, but we don't put them in four star hotel either.
Bunny Breckinridge: What about glitter? When I was a headliner in Paris, audiences always liked it when I sparkled.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.: No.
Bunny Breckinridge: Cat's Eyes.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.: No.
Bunny Breckinridge: Well, I'm going to need some antennae.
Edward D. Wood, Jr.: No! You're the ruler of the galaxy! Show a little taste.
Francesco Dellamorte: The Living Dead and the dying living are all the same. Cut from the same cloth. But disposing of dead people is a public service, whereas you're in all sorts of trouble if you kill someone while they're still alive.
Frank Wheeler: Which brings us to... intercourse! Can I have a volunteer?
John Slade: The name's Slade.
Julian Rogers: Super. Here's an idea. Why don't you spell it out for me so I can get it right on your tombstone.
Claudette: I've told you, not to bother me before a show, or after a show. Or, at home in my bedroom, when I'm thinking about a show.
Dr. Diana Reddin: What do you mean, what am I doing here? It's my baby, not yours.
Larry: Hey. I put it in there.
Dr. Diana Reddin: It's MY EGG.
Larry: Yeah, just 'cause your egg's in some guy doesn't make you the mother.
Sheriff Todd Peterson: I guess she's what you'd call a hermit. She talked kinda funny, too. She was kinda like: 'Durr murr muh...'.
Jerry: Only one side of her face was working. You try talking out of one side of your face.
Peter Brackett: Where did you say you were from? Bitchville?
Fumio Funakoshi: What style is that?
Chen Zhen: Don't ask! if it works, it's a good one.
Red Bean's Mother: You ate my chicken ass, now I'm going to eat your ass.
McGruder: Who the fuck is he?
Michael Jennings: You wanna know who he is? Try this: delve down into the deepest bowels of your soul. Try to imagine the ultimate fucking nightmare. And that won't come close to this son of a bitch when he gets pissed.
Eva: EW! I am so not letting you eat lizards! From now on you are on a strict "no-yuck" diet.
Ludwig van Beethoven: It is the power of music to carry one directly into the mental state of the composer.
Capt. Jason Briggs: Is there a problem with your privates, Private?
Raphael: Oh no, he's turning into that opera guy again.
Mark Van Doren: Your name is mine.
Jessie Crossman: People probably told you that Jessie Crossman was the only person skilled enough to jump from a 747.
Pete Nessip: Well, the actual phrase used was "dick brain."