Gordon: Good God, man. You've fallen for that little slice of American pie.
Richard: Dad.
Gordon: Now you listen to me. This might be the most important bit of advice that I ever give you. American women may be fun and Victoria Secret when you first met them, but as soon as they get their claws into you, they stop fucking and start eating, and the only ass you gonna get is a fat one.
Justin: I look like somebody hit me in the face with Lil Wayne.
Professor Coreman: How many of us, I wonder, can recall that childhood moment when we experienced happiness as a state of being. That single moment of untarnished joy. That moment when everything in our world, inside and out, was all right. Everything was all right.
Mike Shiner: Popularity is the slutty little cousin of prestige.
Aunt Vanessa: The world may or may not be without purpose, but it's not totally without some kind of magic.
Felix O'neil: Difficult, yes. Impossible... probably yes but that's never stopped us before.
Sir Lancelot: Sir Lancelot, at your service.
Teddy Roosevelt: Theodore Roosevelt, President of the United States of America.
Sir Lancelot: I have no idea what that means.
Dave Skylark: He ate it! You're not even supposed to touch it and he ate it! Chewing it! Chewing it.
Mick: Charles Manson is walking through the forest with this guy. And this guy turns to him and says, Dude, this is one scary forest. Charles turns to him and says, Shutup, man! I'm the one who's gotta walk outta here on my own!
The Angry Video Game Nerd: You ever see me play Top Gun? Not a pretty sight.
Glenn Kenneth: Please don't hurt me. I have two kittens.
Jamie Wellerstein: Did you call your agent.
Cathy Hiatt: He's on a retreat.
Jamie Wellerstein: What the hell is an agent retreat?
Cathy Hiatt: I don't know, they go into the woods and sacrifice actresses to breed more agents.
Bernie: I wanna talk to you, man. All that stuff that I was sayin' to you about her potentially being Alison? I didn't mean it, man. I'm seeing a difference in you. I feel like it's because of her. I'm kind of like, jealous, a little bit? I'm really happy for you, Danny.
Danny: Really?
Bernie: Fuck no! This is stupid.
Denis: Like Godzilla says to Mothra man, let's go eat some place.
Bruce: Synthetic, less friction means less blisters. Unless you like blisters. Who likes blisters?
Bruce: Pilgrims.
Bejan: Exactly.
Abogada Victoria: What the judge won't take into account is the violence that you are using with your wife.
Simón: What violence?
Kevin: Okay, So here's the Plan... We take them inside, get their hand stamped and they can't get out. Like Shawshank Redemption.
Marco: I love it.