Kevin: Okay, So here's the Plan... We take them inside, get their hand stamped and they can't get out. Like Shawshank Redemption.
Marco: I love it.
Chrystal: What's the point in giving love if nobody gives it back?
Grumpy Cat: That's how we feel. Contrary to that sign on the door, we're not pets. I mean until somebody takes us home and loves us, we're just animals.
Jagat Janani: What is your name?
P.K.: I don't have any name. But I don't know why people called me PK... Pk.
Judd Altman: I don't understand the Shiva. Mom's not even Jewish, and dad was an atheist.
Wendy Altman: A Jewish atheist, and this is what he wanted.
Gordy McLeod: This morning I was thinking about Doug when he was Jess' age. I used to tickle him and he'd go, "No, no, no!" Then when I was finished, he'd go, "More, more, more, more!" Which sums up exactly how I feel about living.
Policeman Macy's: Alright lady, I'll put you down. You're an idiot.
Jake: Oh my gosh! How do you know Mike Shiner?
Lesley: We share a vagina.
Zach Orfman: Oh, everything's great. Beth's alive and it was all just one big hoax. So, just forget about it.
Judy Orfman: Well, I don't think that's funny.
Zach Orfman: Yeah, well, I don't either.
James Payton: So, you Omar! Damn, man! You ain't what I pictured. You ain't nothing but a black dude. Probably from Decatur.
Pink Poodle: Kill me now.
Dave Skylark: Welcome to the jungle, baby, welcome to the jungle. Na na na knees.
Justin: I look like somebody hit me in the face with Lil Wayne.
Andre Allen: Fry or die.
The Angry Video Game Nerd: Oh for the love of Pong, one hoax at a time.
Jamie Wellerstein: Did you call your agent.
Cathy Hiatt: He's on a retreat.
Jamie Wellerstein: What the hell is an agent retreat?
Cathy Hiatt: I don't know, they go into the woods and sacrifice actresses to breed more agents.
Gordon: Good God, man. You've fallen for that little slice of American pie.
Richard: Dad.
Gordon: Now you listen to me. This might be the most important bit of advice that I ever give you. American women may be fun and Victoria Secret when you first met them, but as soon as they get their claws into you, they stop fucking and start eating, and the only ass you gonna get is a fat one.
Doc Sportello: Where you stayin'?
Coy Harlingen: House in Topanga Canyon. Band I used to play for, the Boards, none of them know it's me.
Doc Sportello: How can they not know it's you?
Coy Harlingen: Even when I was alive they didn't know it was me.
Alice Klieg: This morning I woke up and there was a pubic hair on my pillow shaped like a question mark. And it really got me thinking of unanswered questions, like all the times in my life when I was supposed to feel something but I felt nothing and all the other times in my life where I wasn't supposed to feel anything but I felt too much and the people around me weren't really ready for all of my feelings.