Bob Quimby: Ramona, your sister has a report card. Doesn't that mean you should have one too?
Ramona Quimby: Uh... No.
Mr. Washington: Read him a bedtime story.
Sam: If my wife and I fought like that... we'd still be married.
Wally Mars: Do you want to tell me about your new school?
Sebastian: Why?
Wally Mars: Because you're a kid and there's nothing else to talk about.
Miranda Hobbes: Sometimes, as much as I love Brady, being a mother just isn't enough. I miss my job.
Doctor Monro: And your new students, are they enjoying your lectures?
Doctor Robert Knox: Er, not as much as I understand they're enjoying your wife, sir.
Mitchie Torres: This is me, trying to save something that I care about.
Shane Gray: So am I.
Mitchie Torres: Really? And how's that working out for you?
Ethan Tremblay: My father always had a saying "When a day starts like this it's all uphill from here.
Peter Highman: Uphill? No, it's all downhill from here.
Ethan Tremblay: But nobody wants to be down, everybody wants to be up. It's all uphill from here.
Peter Highman: But it's easier to go downhill. So your dad had no idea what the fuck he was talking about.
P.K. Highsmith: Ay, ay, ay! You shut your face! If I wanna hear you talk, I'll shove my arm up your ass and work your mouth like a puppet! You hear me? You hear me?!
Puck: Six beers enter. No beers leave.
Dan Sanders: Miley Cyrus.
Ivan Schrank: Youth is wasted on the young.
Roger Greenberg: I'd go further. I'd go: 'Life is wasted on people.'.
Jack Abramoff: Washington is like Hollywood, but with uglier faces.
Ms. Gelband: We like to think of ourselves as being ahead of the curve. One teacher for each subject. I guess that makes you our very own Ms. Math.
Edgar Frog: Death to all vampires?
Alan Frog: Maximum body count.
Edgar Frog: We are awesome monster bashers.
Alan Frog: The meanest.
Edgar Frog: The baddest.
Claudia: Not every woman needs 2.5 kids and a husband and a mini-van to complete her. My friends are my family, that firm is my spouse, I wake up every morning, a happy, single, successful woman, wondering what on earth could I possibly need?
Gina: Ha-ha! So you got it all figured out huh?
Claudia: Yeah. Pretty much.
Gina: Well, I guess we will see.
Claudia: I know what I want and I'm getting it. We're done. Stop the car! Get out.
Nick Halsey: You need to put up some curtains.
Samantha: Why? So I don't have some drunk staring at me all day?
Nick Halsey: No so you don't have to look at your future.