Matty: Let me ask you something, how do you know when you're in love?
Bullpen Pitcher: Well.
Matty: What?
Bullpen Pitcher: I've got a way, whenever this one thing happens I know I'm done. I will tell you but its personal and I don't want anybody making fun of me for it.
Matty: No, no-ones going to... just go.
Bullpen Pitcher: I think I'm in love with somebody when I wear a condom with the other girls, OK?
Matty: Holy shit I'm in love.
Lemuel Gulliver: Remember, there's no small jobs, just small people. Teeny, tiny, teeny little people.
Caliban: This island is mine.
Glen McCreavy: Why does the asshole always get the girl?
Derek Thompson: Does this tutu make my butt look big?
Lily: Yes.
John 'Spud' Milton: I don't know about you Sir, but drinking just makes me sad. It's like the more you drink, the sadder you get... and the sadder you get the more you drink.
Louis Ives: You have a strange power over people, Henry.
Henry Harrison: It's my constant disapproval. Some find it fatherly.
Bruce Pearson: Freddie, stop listening to music made by poofs. Stick on some Elton John.
Ma-Ti: You're a fool, Critic! A damn fool! You cannot change your destiny! You can only choose to meet it... and you will fail.
Howard Marks: A dealer is really just someone who buys more dope than he can smoke. And I have to say, I'm ashamed, I tried to smoke it all. There was just too fuckin' much of it.
Claire: Charlie doesn't approve, which makes it all the more fun.
Dylan Dog: See? That's just what this case needed. A seven-foot tall, flesh-eating zombie. Which begs the question, are there any actual people left in New Orleans?
Claudia: Not every woman needs 2.5 kids and a husband and a mini-van to complete her. My friends are my family, that firm is my spouse, I wake up every morning, a happy, single, successful woman, wondering what on earth could I possibly need?
Gina: Ha-ha! So you got it all figured out huh?
Claudia: Yeah. Pretty much.
Gina: Well, I guess we will see.
Claudia: I know what I want and I'm getting it. We're done. Stop the car! Get out.
Aaron Green: Nothing you say makes any sense, I understand that now, you're just a fucking junkie and you're smart so you make your insanity sound, good but its bullshit.
Parrot: I love you, Mr Maynard.
Victor Maynard: What the fuck?
Steve-O: How many stings do you think we can take?
Manny Puig: I think it takes about 100 to kill a man.
Dave England: Are you serious? Did you just make that number up? There's 50,000 bees and it takes 100 to kill a man?
Manny Puig: I think it takes 100.
Loomis Fall: Then what are we doing here?
Manny Puig: Making a hit movie.
Spencer Aimes: We've been married for three years and we've never been more than five minutes away from your parents. They're always coming over and your dad's all... all... Well, uh, this is how the Kornfeldt's load the dishwasher. And, mow the lawn clockwise 'cause that's the Kornfeldt way. Take this piece of coal, stick it up your kiester, squeeze it real tight like we do, and you'll and make a Kornfeldt diamond.
Al: The whole point of love is to put someone else's needs above your own.