Professor Turner: She fucks like an epileptic at a strobe light convention.
Wallace: But Piella, you're the Bake-O-Lite girl.
Piella Bakewell: Was the Bake-O-Lite girl. I ate too much, you see.
Wallace: Oh, really?
Piella Bakewell: I couldn't ride the balloon anymore.
Wallace: Oh dear.
Piella Bakewell: So they dropped me.
Wallace: What a blow. Ooh.
Piella Bakewell: ME! A curse on bakers and their loathsome confections.
Randy 'The Ram' Robinson: The eighties fucking ruled, man, until that pussy Cobain came and fucked it all up.
Robbie: I wrote a song about you.
Georgia Nicolson: Really?!
Robbie: Yeah. It's called "Bitch in Uniform."
Shane Gray: That's the song.
Nate: So that must be the girl.
Jason: Ya think?
Emmit: You're the bitch.
Filkins: Huh?
Emmit: Aaaaah that's right.
Nim Rusoe: Nobody invades my island and gets away with it.
Gail: Usually he's harder than trigonometry.
Gloria: Found any water yet?
Moto Moto: No, just more diamonds and gold.
Jackie Moon: Fuck you Clarence! Spumoni.
Chloe: You don't scare me anymore.
Diablo: Then why are you shaking?
Chloe: Cause I am a Chihuahua.
John Grogan: A dog doesn't care if you're rich or poor, educated or illiterate, clever or dull. Give him your heart and he will give you his.
Maxwell Smart: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
The Chief: I don't know. Were you thinking "Holy shit, holy shit! A swordfish almost went through my head"? If so, yes.
Molly Johnson: All the world's great civilizations have followed the same path. From bondage to liberty, from liberty to abundance, from abundance to complacency, from complacency to apathy, from apathy back to bondage. If we are to be the exception to history, then we must break the cycle, for those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
Ray Embrey: People don't like you, Hancock.
Hancock: Do I look like I care what people think?
Carrie Mae: Do you guys know where the crapper is? I have to drop some timber.
Guru Tugginmypudha: Good distraction frees us from emotional pain. Bad distraction gives you a mouth full of whizz.
Nick: If anyone is getting raped in that van, it'll be a guy.
Durell: Promise me somethin. Promise me you'll be better than me.
Durell Jr.: OK. You promise me somethin. Promise me you won't let mom take me to Atlanta. Please.