Earth President Richard Nixon: If there's one thing Nixon is known for, it's class. Let's cut this turd loose.
Sam Landis: Let me guess. You finally want to start that boy band you've been dreaming about.
Principal Jared T. Kirkpatrick: Landis, do I come down to the strip club where you work and knock the dick out of your mouth? Against the wall. You're late.
Jordan Roark: That's why human beings exist... to save each other from ourselves.
Sameer's Mother: There are things you must do with women that you cannot do with men.
Flynn Carsen: Where's Judson?
Charlene: In the large collections annex.
Flynn Carsen: We have a large collections annex?
Sidney Young: I sent the fish, you know, goldfish in a bowl. Did she get them?
Sophie Maes' Assistant: Yes, but they were dead.
Sidney Young: All of them?
Sophie Maes' Assistant: Yeah, it was kind of shocking actually! Were they dead when you send them?
Sidney Young: No no, who sends people dead fish?
Sophie Maes' Assistant: The Mafia?
James Wetherhold: Vanessa here is the perfect little housewife. I mean daughter.
Vanessa Wetherhold: Yes, if by perfect you mean not retarded, slash suffering from insurmountable credit card debt, then yes, I'm indeed perfect.
Policier: Central to Unit 27. Jean-Claude Van Damme's robbing a post office. I need back-up.
Mike: You have to let go of everything... in order to move on.
Ashley: Dan! Sorry, the phone scared me so I killed it.
Saul: Hey look, my thumb looks like my cock.
Edgar Frog: Let's get one thing straight, I hate fucking vampires.
Emma: You can't find something if you don't know what you're looking for.
Juney: I know this is 'An Inconvenient Truth', but it's global warming.
Man-gil: The bounty on your head is 300 won.
Yoon Tae-goo: What? I'm only worth a piano?
Man-gil: A used one at that.
Jerry: [Talking about The Lion King] It's deeply deep. 'Cause the uncle kills the nephew's father.
Old Lady: Which is his brother.
Jerry: That's his brother. He kills his own brother, right? That's some heavy Shapeskearean shit.
Mike: [laughs]
Jerry: What's funny?
Mike: Shape...nothing.
Reverend Pratt: So, if you concentrate on what you don't have, you forget about what you do have.
Rincewind: That's old Twoflower for you. He just appreciates beauty in his own way. I mean, if a poet sees a daffodil, he stares at it and then writes a long poem. But Twoflower would wander off and buy a book on botany, and then as he reads it he would tread on the daffodil.