Bill Maher: And I see you've got a lot of bling.
Jeremiah Cummings: I like gold. The people want you to look well.
Bill Maher: That's what pimps say about their women.
Bill Maher: That's religion. You pray. You bow. You kneel. You fast. You trim the balls of a giant space penis.
Bill Maher: Circumcision, I mean, I would've loved to have been there for the first time people would hear about this, you know? We're used to it now, you know. I'm sure when Moses came down with this idea there was one person going "Now, let me get this straight..."
Bill Maher: There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.
Bill Maher: It's like the lotto. "You can't get saved if you don't play."
Bill Maher: Now, the angels went to the house of the one Godly man in town - Lot. And the townspeople tried to rape them. Now, Lot, not wanting his town to get the reputation as the kind of place that would rape angels, offered up to the mob his own daughters to rape. And he was the good guy in town. Which brings me to this question: If I ever had to swear an oath, why would I want to put my hand on the King James Bible? I think I could find more morality in the Rick James Bible.
Bill Maher: Gay Muslim activists. That is a very rare job description. You guys have big ones.
Bill Maher: If Santa Claus can hit every house in the world in one night.
Steve Burg: No, I don't believe in Santa Claus.
Bill Maher: Of course not. That's ridiculous. That's one man flying all around the world and dropping presents down a chimney. That's ridiculous. One man hearing everybody murmur to him at the same time... that I get.
Jonathan Boulden: Only a Sith deals in absolutes.
Ken Ham: This is a God, he's an infinite God, he's not always working in ways we understand.
Bill Maher: Don't you think that's a cop-out?
Ken Ham: He is God. Are you God?
Bill Maher: No.
Bill Maher: The only appropriate attitude for man to have about the big questions is not the arrogant certitude that is the hallmark of religion, but doubt. Doubt is humble, and that's what man needs to be, considering that human history is just a litany of getting shit dead wrong.
Bill Maher: And you know what else was very confusing to me I remember vividly was Santa Claus and Jesus.
Julie Maher: You were so mad at us.
Bill Maher: So mad at you, why? Oh, when.
Julie Maher: When you realised there was no Santa Claus.
Bill Maher: And then when I found out there was no Jesus... boy, was I pissed.
Bill Maher: The plain fact is religion must die for mankind to live. The hour is getting very late to be able to indulge in having key decisions made by religious people - by irrationalists - by those who would steer the ship of state, not by a compass, but by the equivalent of reading the entrails of a chicken.
Bill Maher: Who are you?
Jose Luis De Jesus Miranda: I am Jesus Christ man. The second coming. The Old Testament talk about me. And the New Testament also.
