Sheriff Sam Deeds: Well, I'm working on a few things. I'm going over to the other side.
Ray: Republicans?
Sheriff Sam Deeds: No, Mexico.
Lewis Farrell: They'll last longer if you put a little 7-Up in the water. Yeah, I know it sounds weird, but, it works.
Hana: There's a man downstairs. He brought us eggs. He might stay.
Almásy: Why? Can he lay eggs?
Hana: He's Canadian.
Almásy: Why are people always so happy when they collide with someone from the same place? What happened in Montreal when you passed a man in the street? Did you invite him to live with you?
Ralph Roach: We know where you live. We live where you live.
Taffy Dale: Guess it wasn't the dove.
Sgt. Bilko: It's the odometer Wally, it says 12,000 miles and it should say 11,000 miles. Tony here drove it to Lake Tahoe over the weekend to go to his grandmother's funeral.
Walter Holbrook: Oh, I'm sorry, Tony.
Sgt. Bilko: When I say "go to his grandmother's funeral", I mean visit his niece. And when I say "niece", I mean lady friend. Look. I'm winking. Look at my eye.
The Doctor: Grace, I came back to life. I held back death. Look, I can't make your dream come true forever, but I can make it come true today..
Ethan Hunt: Can I ask you something, Kittridge? If you're dealing with a man who has crushed, shot, stabbed, and detonated five members of his own IMF team, how devastated do you think you're gonna make him by hauling Mom and Uncle Donald down to the county courthouse?
Ron Albertson: If there's an empty space, just fill it with a line, that's what I like to do. Even if it's from another show.
[Professor Klump struggles to fit into his chair because of his obese size, before finally getting in.]
Dean Richmond: Anything I can get for you? Juice? Coffee? Rack of lamb?
Lt. Jack Cole: Listen, um, I want you to deliver a message for me. You tell your asshole boss that nobody, nobody threatens me.
Donald Cunningham: I understand. I'll convey your feelings to Mr. Deverell.
Lt. Jack Cole: Now get your ugly white ass outta here and don't come back.
Governor Tracy: Now you'll have to tell me your name so I know who to make the check out to.
Clyde: My best friends call me Cash.
Eddie: Cos people think I'm on drugs and I'm not. I'm really quite... Just a bit of coffee. When I take drugs I start going, "Oh, would you like insurance?"
Grace Winterbourne: How did I ever raise such a snob?
Bill Winterbourne: It's a mystery Mother... let's ask the servants.
Bowen: All my life I've dreamed of serving noble kings, noble ideals. Dreams die hard and you hold them in your hands long after they've turned to dust. I will not be that naive again.
Mitchell Kane: Are you happy with your deal with Sultan?
Johnny Winsor: Happy? I'd sooner be turked by a syphilitic bear.
Mitchell Kane: T-turked? Turked? What is turked?
Johnny Winsor: Rectally relieved.
Elise: I'm not Monique's Mother.
Maurice: No.
Elise: Angela Lansbury's Monique's Mother.
Maurice: Uh-huh.
Elise: Shelley Winters is Unique's mother.
Maurice: Now that's a good one.
Elise: Sean Connery is Monique's mother.
Maurice: And I'm going to get you some coffee.
Tails: Sonic! Help me, please! Please, help, Sonic.
Sonic: Grrrr... shut UP, tails.