The President: Let's face it - he's dead.
Brazen: I agree.
Commander Mallory: Plissken's been dead so many times, I can't count them all. But he never stays down.
Dr. Michael Reynolds: Why don't you grow some pubic hair, junior.
Brandon 'Blue' Monroe: I got pubic hair, asshole. It's the one place I got hair left.
Roy Martin: You can't believe her. Look at the hair, the clothes, the constant cheerfulness.
Leo Tolstoy: You reeking little swine, how dare you shoot me in the ass.
Indiana Jones: I thought you were a giant weazle.
Leo Tolstoy: Do I look like a giant weazle? Is it my twitching snout? My long, hairless tail? Are all little English boys as stupid as you?
Indiana Jones: I'm not English, I'm American.
Leo Tolstoy: That explains it.
Mayor John Pappas: Lyndon Johnson said, "Everybody will give you ideas on how to get out of trouble cheaply and fast. And they all come down to this: deny your responsibility." John F. Kennedy said, "An error doesn't have to become a mistake, until you refuse to correct it."
Bonnie: George Malley! You learned the Portuguese language in 20 minutes?
George Malley: Not all of it.
Jimmy Flaherty: Prison won't be so bad. I can became a born-again Christian. And that'll be good. Because nobody wants a born-again Christian as their bitch.
Joel Millner: You look like a vampire. Eat your hamburger. All that health food stuff will kill you.
Mr. Preston: What else don't I know?
Marty Preston: What?
Mr. Preston: You hidin' Judd's dog and never lettin' on. What else you keepin' from me?
Marty Preston: Nothin', Dad.
Mr. Preston: Well how do I know that's not another lie?
Marty Preston: 'Cause it's not.
Mr. Preston: Oh yeah, well your sayin' so don't make it true, not now. And that's the problem with lyin'.
Uncle Porter: You're going to have to use your brain which is going to hurt because it's the weakest muscle in your body.
Wayne: I'm not ashamed to say it, I've slept with both those guys.
Ruth: How could one sister be so good and the other so bad?
Teacher: All you need to say is two words... two specific words, though. What they are? 'Not. Guilty.'.
Howard W. Campbell Jr.: I guess the moral here is: you must be careful what you pretend to be because in the end you are who you're pretending to be.
Garrett Lawton: I make it a point to know a little bit about everything.
Jerry Falwell: What?
Roy Grutman: Yeah, Jerry, he's suing you.
Jerry Falwell: He's suing me? For heaven's sakes, on what grounds?
Roy Grutman: Well, you xeroxed his ad, and you sent it out in a million fundraiser letters.
Jerry Falwell: Yeah, so?
Roy Grutman: But you didn't get his permission. And that's copyright infringement.
Jerry Falwell: The depth of his depravity sickens me.
Joan Stupid: Note to self: must buy hand held tape recorder. Then I will no longer be speaking into the garage door opener.
Itchy: I'm so hungry, I could eat a shoe.