Bonnie: George Malley! You learned the Portuguese language in 20 minutes?
George Malley: Not all of it.
Garrett Lawton: I make it a point to know a little bit about everything.
Tom Servo: Wow, that ringing! Now he knows what the world sounds like to Pete Townshend.
Alice Connor: That's right, it's poisoned. I figured if I ended your suffering, mine would end too.
Mayor John Pappas: Lyndon Johnson said, "Everybody will give you ideas on how to get out of trouble cheaply and fast. And they all come down to this: deny your responsibility." John F. Kennedy said, "An error doesn't have to become a mistake, until you refuse to correct it."
Mr. Preston: What else don't I know?
Marty Preston: What?
Mr. Preston: You hidin' Judd's dog and never lettin' on. What else you keepin' from me?
Marty Preston: Nothin', Dad.
Mr. Preston: Well how do I know that's not another lie?
Marty Preston: 'Cause it's not.
Mr. Preston: Oh yeah, well your sayin' so don't make it true, not now. And that's the problem with lyin'.
Martin Vail: I also need case histories on murder by stabbing, murder by mutilation, murder by religion. Also, I'm gonna need a psychiatrist.
Naomi Chance: You're telling me.
Lee: This is my sister we're talking about. We're not gonna let her die just so you can have one of your moods.
Jimmy Flaherty: Prison won't be so bad. I can became a born-again Christian. And that'll be good. Because nobody wants a born-again Christian as their bitch.
Howard W. Campbell Jr.: I guess the moral here is: you must be careful what you pretend to be because in the end you are who you're pretending to be.
Julia Biggs: Your mother would always tell me, "Girl, you need to get some meat on those bones. Henry ain't got nothing to grab on to back there!"
Rev. Henry Biggs: She just wanted you to eat, that's all.
Julia Biggs: No, she probably wanted me to be as fat as her.
Rev. Henry Biggs: She wasn't that fat.
Julia Biggs: Please, if a policeman saw your mama come walking down the street, he'd yell, "break it up!"
Riggi: Hey, clown boy! Get off my street.
Christopher Dubois: Wait a minute.
Riggi: Hey, Dubois, what are you sick in the head or something? Please, grow up, go get yourself some new and nice clothes and come to work for me.
Christopher Dubois: I don't work for nobody.
Riggi: It's too bad, Dubois, it's too bad, you're a wasted talent, but nuts case, you know that. Suit yourself.
St John Weasel: You've only got one shot. Give me the gun... and we'll all be friends.
Mole: Friends? Thought you said there was no such thing.
St John Weasel: Oh come on! That was just the intro to a song.
Luvven Coddle: I sense a - a yearning in you - a - a searching - almost - as if you're lost. You've been lost for a long, long time. Am I right?.. You found Jesus, Al.
Al Fountain: Why? Is he missing?
Teacher: All you need to say is two words... two specific words, though. What they are? 'Not. Guilty.'.
Jay Leno: I may look stupid, but I'm Italian. I know how to find information.