When You Wish Upon a Weinstein - S3-E22
Peter Griffin: You better watch who you're calling a child Lois. Because if I'm a child then you know what that makes you? A paedophile, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and be lectured by a pervert.
Christmas With the Joker - S1-E38
Joker: Jingle bells, Batman smells. Robin laid an egg. The Batmobile lost a wheel and the Joker got awaaaaaaaaayyyyy.
Roger: Look at us, Steve. Neck and neck. May the best man win.
Steve: Well that's gonna be me, because your weird gut's about to hit the wall.
Roger: Not if your boner hits it first.
Steve: What? I don't have a boner.
Roger: You're about to.
Steve: How? What are you gonna do?
Roger: I don't have to do anything. You're a teenage boy who just heard the word "boner." It's already happening.
Steve: No. Not now. Not like this. Oh, God! Not like this! [Steve struggles to prevent his erection but it's heard hitting the wall.]
Steve: Damn it.
Roger: Yes! I won.
Francine: You did, Roger. But, in a way, I feel like we all won.
Roger: What? Wait, what?
Francine: Because it brought us all closer together.
Steve: You're right. I thought I was in a race, but really, I was in a family.
Roger: Okay, I see what's happening here. Yeah. You're trying to screw me out of my victory. We all heard his dick hit the wall.
Tree House of Horror X - S11-E4
[The Simpsons are driving down a road as fast as possible.]
Homer: Dear God, it's Homer. If you really love me you'll save my life now.
[The gas needle immediately drops to empty and the car stops.]
Homer: D'oh.
Chocolate With Nuts / Mermaid Man And Barnacle Boy V - S3-E11
Spongebob: Quick, Patrick. If you could have anything right now, what would it be?
Patrick: Um...more time for thinking?
My Problem With Popplers (a.k.a. The Problem With Popplers) - S2-E18
Fry/Bender: Pop a Poppler in your mouth, When you come to Fishy Joe's, What they're made of is a mystery, Where they come from, no one knows. You can pick 'em, you can lick 'em, You can chew 'em, you can stick 'em, And if you promise not to sue us, You can shove one up your nose.
Raven: Evil beware. We have waffles.
Man: Do you know who I am?
Yakko: Why? Did you forget?
Jake's Mom: Your sister really looks up to you.
Jake Long: She's two feet tall! She looks up to everybody!
Something Ricked This Way Comes - S1-E9
Rick: Cute, your sister's boss gave me a microscope that would have made me retarded.
Morty: Ooh. Oh, boy, Rick, I, I don't think you're allowed to say that word, you know.
Rick: Morty, I'm not disparaging the differently abled. I'm stating the fact if I had used this microscope, it would have made me mentally retarded.
Morty: Okay, yeah, but I don't think it's about logic, Rick. I, I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that feel like they're doing the right thing.
Rick: Well, that's retarded.
Interviewer: Well, can you... destroy the Earth?
Tick: Egad. I hope not. That's where I keep all my stuff.
Egon Spengler: Notice the vacant stare, the completely mindless look. That could only mean one thing.
Winston Zeddemore (I): She's from California?
Egon Spengler: No. She's been hypnotized.
Bill and Ben: We're not playing. We're rescuing our trucks.
Lilo: Stitch! Are you okay?
Stitch: I'm okay. I'm fluffy.