Roger: Look at us, Steve. Neck and neck. May the best man win.
Steve: Well that's gonna be me, because your weird gut's about to hit the wall.
Roger: Not if your boner hits it first.
Steve: What? I don't have a boner.
Roger: You're about to.
Steve: How? What are you gonna do?
Roger: I don't have to do anything. You're a teenage boy who just heard the word "boner." It's already happening.
Steve: No. Not now. Not like this. Oh, God! Not like this! [Steve struggles to prevent his erection but it's heard hitting the wall.]
Steve: Damn it.
Roger: Yes! I won.
Francine: You did, Roger. But, in a way, I feel like we all won.
Roger: What? Wait, what?
Francine: Because it brought us all closer together.
Steve: You're right. I thought I was in a race, but really, I was in a family.
Roger: Okay, I see what's happening here. Yeah. You're trying to screw me out of my victory. We all heard his dick hit the wall.
Jake's Mom: Your sister really looks up to you.
Jake Long: She's two feet tall! She looks up to everybody!
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Mr. Wuncler, I'm... sorry about the whole, you know, my grandson shooting your grandson out of the window thing. Are you mad?
Ed Wuncler: In 30 years, that boy will be the President of the United States. And he'll still be a fucking idiot. Now, are we gonna have that drink or what?
Mr. Blick: The Kraken ate my tail.
Clay: Orel, love gets in the way of the important things in life. Like going to sleep or being left alone.
Grandpa Max Tennyson: Being a hero isn't about letting others know you did the right thing, it's about you knowing you did the right thing.
Ben Tennyson: What were you just doing, reading greeting cards back at the Mega Mart?
Grandpa Max Tennyson: Well... yes.
Juniper Lee: You play bass, Dennis. It's a miracle anyone even notices you.