Jake: The only reason I ain't signing is cause you've turned into some hoity-toity Yankee bitch, and I'd like nothing better right now than to piss you off.
Austin Powers: Mole! Bloody mole! We aren't supposed to talk about the bloody mole, but there's a bloody mole winking me in the face! I want to cut it off, chop it off, and make guacaMOLE!
Bernard: Curtis, you're 900 years old. Grow up.
Mrs. Bhamra: What family would want a daughter-in-law who can run around kicking football all day but can't make round chapatis?
Betty: Go get some snacks. Perhaps a carbonated soda.
Ling: I hope they have Icees.
The Chosen One: I've chosen the large tub.
Wimp Lo: My nipples look like milk duds.
Master Tang: I've got some yellow liquid for your popcorn. And it's non-dairy.
Voice: There's someone in here.
Christina: Sorry.
Voice: It might be a while.
Christina: How long?
Voice: Let me put it to you this way. I had Lamb Curry last night and I'm shitting out a Buick.
Courtney: Was it absolutely vital for her to tell us that?
April: Uh, Jessica has a... problem.
Ling Ling: She's only going to make us wait an hour this time.
Lulu: What about the class trip to Six Flags. She took so long in the bathroom we missed the bus.
Ling Ling: Our parents had to drive three hours to pick us up.
Jessica (Clive): I had my period, OK.
Ryan Dunn: I'm Ryan Dunn, and I'm about to get the shit kicked out of me by a girl.
Mr. Jones: I look better than you.
Uncle Elroy: You don't.
Mr. Jones: I cook better than you.
Uncle Elroy: You can't.
Mr. Jones: My dick is bigger than yours.
Uncle Elroy: It was cold that night.
Will: Once you open your door to one person anyone can come in.
Larry Hertzel: All I was doing was welcoming somebody into the family.
Roberta Hertzel: Larry, we've been welcomed by you, thank you so much, now would you please just drink your fucking milk and shut the fuck up.
Junior: This cell phone's better than my pinkie finger any day.
Gary Giggles: Remember, an agent is only as good as his gadgets.
Elvis: Uh, Mr. President... You're on the floor.
JFK: No shit?
Lionel: To serve people takes dignity and intelligence. But remember, they are only people with money. And although we serve them, we are not their servants. What we do, Miss Ventura, does not define who we are. What defines us is how well we rise after falling.
Robin Williams: The poor Canadian snowboarder, in the 1998 Olympics, they took away his medal because he tested positive for marijuana, which is kinda redundant number one, number two, they said that marijuana was a "performance-enhancing drug." Marijuana enhances many things, colors, flavors, sensations, but you are certainly not fucking empowered. When you're stoned, you're lucky if you can find your own goddamn feet. The only way it's a performance-enhancing drug is if there's a big fucking Hershey bar at the end of the run. Then you'll be like a Swiss ski jumper going, "I'm there!"
Reggie: You don't have a forehead... you have a five-head.
Pancha: Like my grandmother used to say, "There's no better dressing than meat on bones."