Julian: I feel... Vulnerable.
Abel Morales: Good... Because you are vulnerable. We all are.
Pink Poodle: Kill me now.
Nick Cave: In the end, I am not interested in that which I fully understand.
John du Pont: I'm getting Dave. And I don't care how much it costs.
Chernov: When I was 19 years old I was the Number 1 Light Heavyweight champion in the Soviet Olympics Boxing Team. Did you know this?
Francis O'Connell: No, I don't like sports. Especially not Soviet sports.
Bernie: I wanna talk to you, man. All that stuff that I was sayin' to you about her potentially being Alison? I didn't mean it, man. I'm seeing a difference in you. I feel like it's because of her. I'm kind of like, jealous, a little bit? I'm really happy for you, Danny.
Danny: Really?
Bernie: Fuck no! This is stupid.
Rusty Nail: Learned that from a hockey ninja.
Gordon: Good God, man. You've fallen for that little slice of American pie.
Richard: Dad.
Gordon: Now you listen to me. This might be the most important bit of advice that I ever give you. American women may be fun and Victoria Secret when you first met them, but as soon as they get their claws into you, they stop fucking and start eating, and the only ass you gonna get is a fat one.
Sarah Morris: It's been a really shitty day and I just want it to be over.
Alice Klieg: Ladies and gentlemen, meatloaf cake, with mashed sweet potato icing, with only 433 calories, 52 grams of protein, and only five caibo-hydrants. I think I'm going to have a slice.
Holden: Neither benign nor merciful.
Gordy McLeod: This morning I was thinking about Doug when he was Jess' age. I used to tickle him and he'd go, "No, no, no!" Then when I was finished, he'd go, "More, more, more, more!" Which sums up exactly how I feel about living.
Bruce: Synthetic, less friction means less blisters. Unless you like blisters. Who likes blisters?
Bruce: Pilgrims.
Bejan: Exactly.
Tom Egan: Another one of my jobs is damage assessment. Which is our way of saying counting the dead. Which is not as easy as it sounds. Beacause a lot of times the bodies are in so small pieces.
Prof. Edgar Solomon: A bear taking a dump asked a rabbit, "Does shit stick to your fur as a habit?" "Of course not," said the hare, "It's really quite rare," so the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit. There once was a lady named Dot who lived off pig shit and snot. When she ran out of these, she ate the green cheese... that she grew on the sides... of her twat.
Ocinski: Hey, uh, your dad the one that taught you how to fight?
Oliver: No, my babysitter.
Jerome Holm: You should have let me help you, Ernest. I'm not scared.
Ernest Holm: How do you spell your name?
Jerome Holm: What?
Ernest Holm: Your name, how do you spell it?
Jerome Holm: J-e-r-o-m-e.
Ernest Holm: "Jerome." You're more of a "Jerry."
Jerome Holm: I don't like that.
Ernest Holm: No? Then why are you calling me Ernest?
Jerome Holm: 'Cause that's your name.
Ernest Holm: Well, I prefer if you stuck with "dad."
Sir Lancelot: Sir Lancelot, at your service.
Teddy Roosevelt: Theodore Roosevelt, President of the United States of America.
Sir Lancelot: I have no idea what that means.
Max Simkin: Hey, Ma, let me ask you somethin'. You ever wish you were somebody else?
Sarah Simkin: No. I'm your mother. That's all I ever wanted to be.
Max Simkin: But... if you could do whatever you wanted to do, what would it be?
Sarah Simkin: Um... Have dinner with your father. That would be nice.