Prof. Edgar Solomon: A bear taking a dump asked a rabbit, "Does shit stick to your fur as a habit?" "Of course not," said the hare, "It's really quite rare," so the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit. There once was a lady named Dot who lived off pig shit and snot. When she ran out of these, she ate the green cheese... that she grew on the sides... of her twat.
Kyle: Are you in a crack house?
Meghan: Yes! That's what I've been trying to tell you.
Chrystal: What's the point in giving love if nobody gives it back?
Grumpy Cat: That's how we feel. Contrary to that sign on the door, we're not pets. I mean until somebody takes us home and loves us, we're just animals.
JR: Here's some proof that the bonobos aren't dying out.
Stanley: All my optimism was an illusion.
Paul: Wait! I didn't touch the boy.
Professor Coreman: How many of us, I wonder, can recall that childhood moment when we experienced happiness as a state of being. That single moment of untarnished joy. That moment when everything in our world, inside and out, was all right. Everything was all right.
Justin: I look like somebody hit me in the face with Lil Wayne.
Madame Mallory: What is this flavor that is fighting against the chicken?
Hassan: I added some spices for flavor to the sauce, and coriander for garnish and freshness.
Madame Mallory: But why change a recipe that is 200 years old?
Hassan: Because, madam, maybe 200 years is long enough.
Ray Henderson: Listen, you! This is Northern Soul, not Northern Arsehole.
Sheriff McDowell: The logging barons always cry "jobs" and "free enterprise," but the truth is, you barely pay enough to put food on the table.
Pemberton: Oh, we pay more than any job these men can get, and that's why there's a line fifty-deep every time there's an opening.
Sheriff McDowell: Openings? Yes, you always have openings, don't you, Mr. Pemberton? Because your camps have killed more men than the war between the States.
Judd Altman: Three months ago I had a great job and a nice apartment and I was in love with my wife.
Wendy Altman: No, you weren't.
Judd Altman: No?
Wendy Altman: No. She was sleeping with somebody else for a year and you never noticed... How in love could you have been?
Judd Altman: Yep... That's fair.
Dr. Duncan Hume: This is such a one-horse town.
Six: And now it's a pale fucking horse.
Neville Baraka: What about your family?
Jim Bennett: I got all I could get.
Neville Baraka: Can I get the money from them? If I send you to Mexico, you know, 'Oh my God! I don't know what happened to him!' Get my friend Valario to mail 'em your dick.
Jim Bennett: My family don't make the money because they pay up easily.
Neville Baraka: Apparently that's genetic.
Glenn Kenneth: Please don't hurt me. I have two kittens.
Ruben: Why are their eyes so big?
Walter Keane: Eyes are the windows to the soul.
Holden: Neither benign nor merciful.
Nolan Mack: People leave, you know? But for some people, it just doesn't seem fair.
Jess: Then the policemen comes.
Abi: That was just a misunderstanding, sweetheart.
Doug: Sometimes when grown-ups discuss things very loudly, people will get the wrong ideas.
Mickey McLeod: He let me play with his taser.
Doug: Well, he didn't let ya.
Mickey McLeod: He didn't say I couldn't.
Jess: Does electricity feel nice, daddy?
Doug: No, not nice.
Jay Wheeler: Whats the matter?
Daisy Kensington: You're standing on my toes.