Alison Scott: I'm pregnant.
Ben Stone: Fuck off.
Alison Scott: What?
Ben Stone: What?
Trina: I'm sure she's fine.
Angela: Trick, was anybody talking to you?
Trina: Trick?
Angela: Yes, trick. As in slut, whore, tramp. You don't know your name?
Sandra: Tea can do many things, Jane, but it can't bring back the dead.
Dudley Frank: What'd you do, Woody?
Woody Stevens: I cut the gas lines of their bikes, and then I maybe blew up their bar.
Feng: What part of "sudden death" didn't you understand?
Dean Solomon: So... you're a janitor?
James: That's right. I'm a black man so I must be a janitor. Motherfucking racist-ass stereotyper.
Dean Solomon: It's just, you're... wearing a janitor's outfit.
James: Oh. So a black man can't just go in a thrift shop and buy a janitor's outfit 'cause he find it comfortable on his nuts.
Dean Solomon: No, he can. Especially a black man.
John Solomon: What do you do?
James: I'm a janitor.
Billy: Let's carve a scary face this time.
Trudie: There may not be such a thing as a perfect job, a perfect life or a perfect family, but there is such a thing as a perfect moment. So I take back what I said. Doing one crazy thing probably does make you crazy, but it also can make you happy.
Kate: I wish there was a cookbook for life, you know? Recipes telling us exactly what to do. I know, I know, you're gonna say "How else will you learn, Kate."
Therapist: Mm. No, actually I wasn't going to say that. You want to guess again?
Kate: No, no, go ahead.
Therapist: Well what I was going to say was, you know better than anyone, it's the recipes that you create yourself that are the best.
Peggy: It's nice to have a word that can describe you. I've never had that before.
Professor Farnsworth: Time travel is impossible!
Fry: But Professor, you time traveled yourself. Remember? When we went back to Roswell?
Professor Farnsworth: That proves nothing! And furthermore, you'd think I could remember a thing like that! Plus, who are you anyway?
Edward Cole: As something of an expert in diseases, I believe more people die from visitors than diseases.
Cara Burns: You are a murderer of love.
L. C. Cheever: You got it backwards kid. You play cards the way you should lead your life. And you lead your life the way you should play cards.
Carter Webb: Sophia dumped me.
Agnes Webb: Are You kidding me? When?
Carter Webb: About an hour and a half ago, I've been in traffic.
April Epner: Your wife was seeing someone else?
Frank: Pretty much everyone else. I was too much for her.
April Epner: Your wife? I'm sure she didn't feel that way.
Frank: She told me.
April Epner: What did she say?
Frank: 'You're too much for me.'.
April Epner: Ugh.
Mackenzie Carpenter: How many times do I have to tell you? I was being chased by a seven foot tall Horny the Clown with a meat cleaver.
Stan Minton: What the fuck just happened in there?
Mal: You lost, Stanley.
Stan Minton: I didn't lose. You're the lawyer. You lost.
Mal: I'm truly sorry.
Stan Minton: Damn it man, I'm rich! I wanted some of that O.J. Justice.
Glen the Desk Clerk: Hello, welcome to the International Inn. How many?
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: There's 8 of us.
Glen the Desk Clerk: 8, 8 people for a suckfest.
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: No, no suckfest. We're here for a convention.
Glen the Desk Clerk: I like convention too. I'm in a convention. A suckfest convention.