Edward Cole: As something of an expert in diseases, I believe more people die from visitors than diseases.
Cam Wexler: Shit! Shit shit shit... pardon my French.
Charlie: I speak a little French and that sounded like "shit."
Annabelle Fritton: Daddy, you can't expect me to stay here, it's like Hogwarts for Pikeys!
Bruce Campbell: You don't know fear, kid. You've never worked with Sam Raimi.
Trina: I'm sure she's fine.
Angela: Trick, was anybody talking to you?
Trina: Trick?
Angela: Yes, trick. As in slut, whore, tramp. You don't know your name?
Sandra: Tea can do many things, Jane, but it can't bring back the dead.
Dudley Frank: What'd you do, Woody?
Woody Stevens: I cut the gas lines of their bikes, and then I maybe blew up their bar.
Sadie: Where do babies come from?
Debbie: Where do you think they come from?
Sadie: Well. I think a stork, he umm, he drops it down and then, and then, a hole goes in your body and there's blood everywhere, coming out of your head and then you push your belly button and then your butt falls off and then you hold your butt and you have to dig and you find the little baby.
Debbie: That's exactly right.
Dean Solomon: So... you're a janitor?
James: That's right. I'm a black man so I must be a janitor. Motherfucking racist-ass stereotyper.
Dean Solomon: It's just, you're... wearing a janitor's outfit.
James: Oh. So a black man can't just go in a thrift shop and buy a janitor's outfit 'cause he find it comfortable on his nuts.
Dean Solomon: No, he can. Especially a black man.
John Solomon: What do you do?
James: I'm a janitor.
Feng: Less talkie-talkie, more ping-pong.
Dan Burns: I don't want to go out with the pig... face.
Billy: Let's carve a scary face this time.
Trudie: There may not be such a thing as a perfect job, a perfect life or a perfect family, but there is such a thing as a perfect moment. So I take back what I said. Doing one crazy thing probably does make you crazy, but it also can make you happy.
L. C. Cheever: You got it backwards kid. You play cards the way you should lead your life. And you lead your life the way you should play cards.
Joe Kingman: I have an answer to your question, P. Win or lose today, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me.
Jack: This isn't Paris. This is hell.
Vince: Hey coach. Name is Vince. I'm just a bartender from Philly whose only dream is to play ball. It's all I got left after I lost my job teaching, and my wife left me. Like my alcoholic father used to say before he passed on, "A man can only take so much failure!" I'll give you everything I got. What do you say coach?
Lambeau "Coach" Fields: I say you can add "Did not make the football team" to your list of woes.
Rachel: We can all survive Simon, you just don't have to look so damn sad doing it.
Mr. Edward Magorium: I fell so completely in love with these shoes, I bought enough pairs to last my whole lifetime. This is my last pair.