April Epner: Your wife was seeing someone else?
Frank: Pretty much everyone else. I was too much for her.
April Epner: Your wife? I'm sure she didn't feel that way.
Frank: She told me.
April Epner: What did she say?
Frank: 'You're too much for me.'.
April Epner: Ugh.
Dennis: I can lose weight, but you'll always be an asshole!
Hertz: Come on, Smith, come on, guns don't kill people - but they sure help.
Murphy Bivens: I'll see you in the sequel, bitch.
Joe Kingman: What did you put in those cookies?
Peyton Kelly: Um, milk, flour, eggs, cinnamon.
Joe Kingman: Cinammon? I'm allergic to cinnamon.
Peyton Kelly: I'm sorry.
Joe Kingman: You're sowry? I'm talking like t'his and all you can say is you're sowry?
Peyton Kelly: I'm allergic to nuts.
Turner Claymore: Here at Berm-Tech we offer you a handshake, whether you have hands, hooks, or flippers.
Mr. Edward Magorium: Mortamer fetch.
Mr. Edward Magorium: Stupid zebra.
Mackenzie Carpenter: Lenny couldn't find his ass with both hands.
Sadie Jones: Reverend Frank? What... What are you doing here?
Choir Boy: Reverend Frank is everywhere, remember?
Glen the Desk Clerk: Hello, welcome to the International Inn. How many?
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: There's 8 of us.
Glen the Desk Clerk: 8, 8 people for a suckfest.
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: No, no suckfest. We're here for a convention.
Glen the Desk Clerk: I like convention too. I'm in a convention. A suckfest convention.
Jean Paul Clement: Most people are together just so they are not alone. But some people want magic. I think you are one of those people.
Wilson: Misanthrope seeks misanthrope. Honestly, if you respond to this ad then you are probably not the kind of woman I'd go out with. I guess I'm lonely and it's new years and I'm willing to embarrass the hell out of myself with this ad. About me: My girlfriends over the years have been intelligent and beautiful, in the end they have all broken my heart, whatever that means. My friend says I have to have a foto, so here it is. Talk to you soon. Wilson.
Carnahan: What about the guys that were convicted of rape? Can we rape them?.
Stan Minton: Rape the rapists. Seems fair, punishment fitting the crime and all. Sure, go ahead.
Cleon: How 'bout them child molesters?
Stan Minton: Yeah, them, too. Good point.
John Farley: You have a father?
Mr. Woodcock: Of course I have a father, Farley, I'm not Jesus.
Silas: I gonna drop you like K-Fed.
Jake Rodgers: I'm the Black Rambo.
Gina: ...Blambo?
Jack: This isn't Paris. This is hell.
Daphne Wilder: God couldn't be everywhere so that is why he invented mothers.
Maggie: What? That was on a Hallmark card we gave you.