April Epner: Your wife was seeing someone else?
Frank: Pretty much everyone else. I was too much for her.
April Epner: Your wife? I'm sure she didn't feel that way.
Frank: She told me.
April Epner: What did she say?
Frank: 'You're too much for me.'.
April Epner: Ugh.
Otto Granberry: Mike wasn't a vampire.
Turner Claymore: If that's true, why did he recoil in terror when I shoved a crucifix in his face?
Otto Granberry: He was Jewish.
Stan Minton: What the fuck just happened in there?
Mal: You lost, Stanley.
Stan Minton: I didn't lose. You're the lawyer. You lost.
Mal: I'm truly sorry.
Stan Minton: Damn it man, I'm rich! I wanted some of that O.J. Justice.
Glen the Desk Clerk: Hello, welcome to the International Inn. How many?
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: There's 8 of us.
Glen the Desk Clerk: 8, 8 people for a suckfest.
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: No, no suckfest. We're here for a convention.
Glen the Desk Clerk: I like convention too. I'm in a convention. A suckfest convention.
Dennis: I can lose weight, but you'll always be an asshole!
Oglethorpe: The only thing bull semen has ever done for me is activate my gag reflex.
Jean Paul Clement: Most people are together just so they are not alone. But some people want magic. I think you are one of those people.
Wilson: Misanthrope seeks misanthrope. Honestly, if you respond to this ad then you are probably not the kind of woman I'd go out with. I guess I'm lonely and it's new years and I'm willing to embarrass the hell out of myself with this ad. About me: My girlfriends over the years have been intelligent and beautiful, in the end they have all broken my heart, whatever that means. My friend says I have to have a foto, so here it is. Talk to you soon. Wilson.
John Farley: You have a father?
Mr. Woodcock: Of course I have a father, Farley, I'm not Jesus.
Jake Rodgers: I'm the Black Rambo.
Gina: ...Blambo?
Silas: I gonna drop you like K-Fed.
Daphne Wilder: God couldn't be everywhere so that is why he invented mothers.
Maggie: What? That was on a Hallmark card we gave you.
Jack: This isn't Paris. This is hell.
Phil: I've gotta drop the kids off at the pool.
Juliette: We have a pool?
Phil: Uh, no.
Rachel: We can all survive Simon, you just don't have to look so damn sad doing it.
Benjamin: We are journalists! We can't do this. It is unethical... and insane.
Simon: It would be a pleasure to personally catch him.
Benjamin: By ourselves. By ourselves. We don't even have any weapons.
Simon: If I gave you a gun, would you know how to use it?
Benjamin: No.
Simon: Then what the fuck are you complaining about?
Duck: I told you. The moment you start drinking that Bosnian brandy, the devil's sitting in the corner, just laughing.
Alex Fletcher: Just a little bit louder, because this song is intended for humans, okay? Way Back Into Love, take two.
Bill: They hate that I'm working at their bank. I hate that I'm working at their bank.
Larry McCoy: I'm getting too fat for this shit.