Turner Claymore: Here at Berm-Tech we offer you a handshake, whether you have hands, hooks, or flippers.
Mr. Edward Magorium: I've hired an accountant.
Molly Mahoney: A what?
Mr. Edward Magorium: An accountant. According to the word, it must be a cross between a counter and a mutant and that may be precisely what we need.
Will: O my God, I've come to say thank you for your love today. Thank you for my family and all the friends you give to me. Guard me in the dark of night, and in the morning, send your light. Amen.
Principal Nathan Gardner: Never, never attack a drunk guy with a gun.
Dr. Godfrey: It's true! Vagina Dentata! Vagina Dentata! Vagina Dentata!
Sarah Hardwicke: I better get going before my daughter comes out and gives me that look that I'm the most embarrassing person on earth. I hate that look. Probably 'cause I used to give it to my mother.
Ben Murphy: Do you wanna walk the midget?
Mackenzie Carpenter: I don't recall inviting any Banana Republicans to my party.
April Epner: Your wife was seeing someone else?
Frank: Pretty much everyone else. I was too much for her.
April Epner: Your wife? I'm sure she didn't feel that way.
Frank: She told me.
April Epner: What did she say?
Frank: 'You're too much for me.'.
April Epner: Ugh.
Glen the Desk Clerk: Hello, welcome to the International Inn. How many?
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: There's 8 of us.
Glen the Desk Clerk: 8, 8 people for a suckfest.
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: No, no suckfest. We're here for a convention.
Glen the Desk Clerk: I like convention too. I'm in a convention. A suckfest convention.
Stan Minton: What the fuck just happened in there?
Mal: You lost, Stanley.
Stan Minton: I didn't lose. You're the lawyer. You lost.
Mal: I'm truly sorry.
Stan Minton: Damn it man, I'm rich! I wanted some of that O.J. Justice.
Oglethorpe: The only thing bull semen has ever done for me is activate my gag reflex.
Dennis: I can lose weight, but you'll always be an asshole!
Wilson: Misanthrope seeks misanthrope. Honestly, if you respond to this ad then you are probably not the kind of woman I'd go out with. I guess I'm lonely and it's new years and I'm willing to embarrass the hell out of myself with this ad. About me: My girlfriends over the years have been intelligent and beautiful, in the end they have all broken my heart, whatever that means. My friend says I have to have a foto, so here it is. Talk to you soon. Wilson.
Jean Paul Clement: Most people are together just so they are not alone. But some people want magic. I think you are one of those people.
John Farley: You have a father?
Mr. Woodcock: Of course I have a father, Farley, I'm not Jesus.
Silas: I gonna drop you like K-Fed.
Jake Rodgers: I'm the Black Rambo.
Gina: ...Blambo?
Jack: This isn't Paris. This is hell.