Wilson: Misanthrope seeks misanthrope. Honestly, if you respond to this ad then you are probably not the kind of woman I'd go out with. I guess I'm lonely and it's new years and I'm willing to embarrass the hell out of myself with this ad. About me: My girlfriends over the years have been intelligent and beautiful, in the end they have all broken my heart, whatever that means. My friend says I have to have a foto, so here it is. Talk to you soon. Wilson.
Mr. Edward Magorium: 37 seconds.
Molly Mahoney: Great. Well done. Now we wait.
Mr. Edward Magorium: No. We breathe. We pulse. We regenerate. Our hearts beat. Our minds create. Our souls ingest. 37 seconds, well used, is a lifetime.
Phil: I've gotta drop the kids off at the pool.
Juliette: We have a pool?
Phil: Uh, no.
Silas: I gonna drop you like K-Fed.
Benjamin: We are journalists! We can't do this. It is unethical... and insane.
Simon: It would be a pleasure to personally catch him.
Benjamin: By ourselves. By ourselves. We don't even have any weapons.
Simon: If I gave you a gun, would you know how to use it?
Benjamin: No.
Simon: Then what the fuck are you complaining about?
Duck: I told you. The moment you start drinking that Bosnian brandy, the devil's sitting in the corner, just laughing.
Jack: This isn't Paris. This is hell.
Ben Murphy: Jesus! You scared me.
Choir Boy: Jesus didn't scare you. I did.
Bill: They hate that I'm working at their bank. I hate that I'm working at their bank.
Diane: I can't believe you don't remember your own wife.
Jake Rodgers: I'm married?.. to a white woman?.. Am I Lionel Richie?
Mr. Parks: "Most people go to their graves with their music inside them." - What was Mr. Holmes saying? Come on guys, it's not that hard. He's saying that most people die without discovering their own genius, without expressing the uniqueness that makes them special.
Mindy: So... The Master, where are you from?
The Master: Hell.
Mindy: Oh! Well what brought you to L.A. a job?
Pat: The Death Star would take out the Enterprise with one shot.
Jenny: The Enterprise has deflector shields.
Larry McCoy: I'm getting too fat for this shit.
Vince: Hey coach. Name is Vince. I'm just a bartender from Philly whose only dream is to play ball. It's all I got left after I lost my job teaching, and my wife left me. Like my alcoholic father used to say before he passed on, "A man can only take so much failure!" I'll give you everything I got. What do you say coach?
Lambeau "Coach" Fields: I say you can add "Did not make the football team" to your list of woes.
Will: O my God, I've come to say thank you for your love today. Thank you for my family and all the friends you give to me. Guard me in the dark of night, and in the morning, send your light. Amen.
Student: What is the difference between plot and narrative?
Dr. Godfrey: It's true! Vagina Dentata! Vagina Dentata! Vagina Dentata!
Paige Hardwicke: Oh, let's see the new Colin Farrell movie.
Carter Webb: Oh, let's not.