Dudley Frank: What'd you do, Woody?
Woody Stevens: I cut the gas lines of their bikes, and then I maybe blew up their bar.
Dudley Frank: Thanks, Woody, I feel really safe with you.
Woody Stevens: I noticed that. If you ever lay your head on my back while riding bitch, I'll throw you into traffic.
Dudley Frank: I was just trying to keep the wind out of my face.
Woody Stevens: I felt you smell my neck.
Bobby Davis: Did you smell that man's neck?
Dudley Frank: His cologne is fantastic. It's musky with an oaky finish like a... lawyer cowboy.
Bobby Davis: A lawyer cowboy?
Doug Madsen: Did he just say "cracker"?
Dudley Frank: "Cracker-ass."
Doug Madsen: Oh, perfect.
Doug Madsen: You screwed up their lives? And by doing that, you decided to screw up our lives? Asshole.
Charley: Needless to say, we don't carry firearms anymore. Sometimes you pull them out and think they're not loaded, and.
Bobby Davis: You blow your deputy's ear off.
Charley: Yeah.
Doug Madsen: You're the sheriff, why don't you go out there?
Charley: I'm the sheriff of a town of 500 people. I got my qualification from a course on the internet. For my arms training, they just told me to play Doom.
Doug Madsen: Woody, sorry I said you had ego issues.
Woody Stevens: Sorry I said you were a pussy.
Doug Madsen: You didn't call me a pussy.
Woody Stevens: Well, not to your face, but that's what I was thinking.
Red: When we drink piss, we drink it cold.
Murdock: What?
Red: We don't drink piss.
Charley: Man, that was like Level 12 of Doom.
Mother-in-Law: In my day, the women stayed home. Not the lazy men.
Bobby Davis: In your day, men were busy building pyramids! How long ago was that?
Doug Madsen: You're the sheriff, aren't you going out there?
Charley: Hey, I took my law enforcement course on the internet! For arms training they just told us to play Doom.
Woody Stevens: Dudley, you have to get rid of that or else I'm going to vomit in your lap.
Dudley Frank: Fine, I'll hang it from a tree.
Woody Stevens: Don't hang it in a tree.
Dudley Frank: Why?
Woody Stevens: Cause bears don't eat shit.
Woody Stevens: Come on, guys, we're exhausted. I think we should take the bikes back to the hotel, put them in a shed with the doors closed, and then play Scrabble in the room with the shades down.
Doug Madsen: Look Aunt Bea, maybe you want to do something else here in Mayberry.
Dudley Frank: The music moves me, but it moves me ugly.
Dudley Frank: It's ok. I just hit my face.
Doug Madsen: Well, what has your wife ever made us?
Bobby Davis: Hard.
Answer: Most likely one of Tim's jacket pockets.