Charisse Slocumb: Bernice Talbot? My-my husband done did it wit' that child in that "Shop-Well" parking lot? lord take ME NOW.
William: Father, I am afraid, I won't know the way back home.
John Thatcher: Don't be foolish, William, you just follow your feet.
Murphy: Ever been to Reno? Get your bubble gum.
Jay: In this world gone mad, we will not spank the monkey, the monkey will spank us!
Brigadier Gen. Russell Woodman: No need to play the blame game here, Allison. No harm, no foul. Suffice it to say that we're all very appreciative of the discovery made by Dr. Kane and Mr. Black.
Harry Block: Block.
Enrico Pollini: Am I too late-a? Look I won a coin, a gold coin-a, isn't it wonderful? Look at this room, what a beautiful room, have you seen this room?
Randy Pear: Yes! We're IN it.
Matt: Would you like a falafel with that?
Jimmy: Is he gonna be cool?
Pinky: My motherfucker's so cool, when he goes to bed, sheep count him.
Shanté Smith: Hmm, men. They like a woman in public...and a freak in private.
Joe Dirt: So, you're gonna tell me, that you don't have no black cats, no Roman candles, or screamin' mimis?
Kicking Wing: No.
Joe Dirt: Oh come on man. You don't got no lady fingers, buzz bottles, snicker bombs, church burners, finger blasters, gut busters, zip-a-dee-do-dahs, crap flappers?
Kicking Wing: No, I don't.
Joe Dirt: You're gonna stand there, owning a firework stand, and tell me you don't have no whistling bungholes, no spleen splitters, whisker biscuits, honker lighters, huskers dus, husker don'ts, cherry bombs, nipsy dazers, with or without the scooter stick, or one single whisking kitty chaser?
Carmen Cortez: Spy work, that's easy. Keeping a family together, that's difficult. And that's the mission worth fighting for.
The Cat Lady: What the hell did you bring into my house?
Daniel Balint: Just take a look at the last three most well-known Jews - Marx, Freud, and Einstein. What have they given us? Communism, infantile sexuality, and the atom bomb.
Paulie: Mouse, where is your father? Did I see you cry? Did you cry like a girl? Like a girly, girly girl? I've been crying, too, Mary B. I've been crying like a girly girl, sucky suck for weeks now! And it's time... it's time for the raptor... Are you with me? I hate my father! Say it, it's easy... come on... Say I hate MY father.
Randall: If I don't see a door in my station in 5 seconds, I will personally put you through the shredder.
Oz: All right, here's a new idea for you, Stifler, okay? You find a girl. You two become best friends. And you don't bother counting how many times you have sex with each other. You just laugh at the people that do count.
Stifler: Here's a new idea for you. I'll get you a spoon so you can eat my ass.
Henry Denton: Who is it?
Lottie: Oh, I'm ever so sorry, sir.
Henry Denton: Sorry for what?
Lottie: I'm supposed to get the fire lit without waking you.
Henry Denton: Why does everyone treat me as if I were one of these stupid snobs? I spent half the week downstairs with all of you.
Lottie: You can't be on both teams at once, sir.