Best comedy movie quotes of 1996

Eddie: Cos people think I'm on drugs and I'm not. I'm really quite... Just a bit of coffee. When I take drugs I start going, "Oh, would you like insurance?"

Mickey Fitzpatrick: Why are you getting so upset Dad? You don't even believe in God.
Mr. Fitzpatrick: That doesn't mean I'm going to stop being a good Catholic.

[Chris Farley gets his tie stuck in the trunk of the old couple.]
Old man: He must be hopped up on crack cocaine!

Elise: I'm not Monique's Mother.
Maurice: No.
Elise: Angela Lansbury's Monique's Mother.
Maurice: Uh-huh.
Elise: Shelley Winters is Unique's mother.
Maurice: Now that's a good one.
Elise: Sean Connery is Monique's mother.
Maurice: And I'm going to get you some coffee.

Edwina "Eddie" Franklin: Bailey! Bailey! Bailey, you gonna try something new tonight, like trying to coach? It's the NBA, buddy - no buttheads allowed, but you keep coming back. I don't understand it.

Zeke: Step outside.
Rafe Guttman: Sorry, Zeke - I'm just not in the mood for a blowjob.

Emma Woodhouse: Was he handsome?
Jane Fairfax: Many say he is.
Emma Woodhouse: Was he agreeable?
Jane Fairfax: He was in no way disagreeable.
Emma Woodhouse: Was he a man of information?
Jane Fairfax: All his statements seem correct.

Freddie: I dream of being in a Las Vegas hotel where all of the towels smell like Downy Fabric Softener.

Dr. Nichols: Hey Anthony, don't try to save everybody, okay?

John Henderson: We're in the 90s, mother. It's fancy jam time.

Kazaam: That's not a wish, that's an insult.

Richard Clark: Victoria, could you give me a ride home? I seem to have misplaced my car.
Victoria Chapell: Oh, don't worry about it. All the teachers loose their car on their first day.

Hank: There's this one dude on my floor, held a razor blade under his tongue for like 5 hours. He talked to the orderlies, he ate, everything.
Bessie: Well, why on earth did he do that?
Hank: He was trying to break my record.

Carol: I wish I could be gay again.

Roscoe Bigger: And when those junior psychos asked me what I was in there for, I had to tell them I was there because I stole A freakin' rock.

Julia Biggs: Your mother would always tell me, "Girl, you need to get some meat on those bones. Henry ain't got nothing to grab on to back there!"
Rev. Henry Biggs: She just wanted you to eat, that's all.
Julia Biggs: No, she probably wanted me to be as fat as her.
Rev. Henry Biggs: She wasn't that fat.
Julia Biggs: Please, if a policeman saw your mama come walking down the street, he'd yell, "break it up!"

Dodge: Haven't you ever seen "What's Love Got To Do With It"?

Garrett Lawton: I make it a point to know a little bit about everything.

Jamie: Scared of being called "queer"?
Ste: Are you?
Jamie: Maybe... maybe not.
Ste: And are ya?
Jamie: Queer?
Ste: Gay.
Jamie: Very happy. I'm happy when I'm with you.

Andy: Sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll, hey ladies?
Vera: Aye, but we can do without the drugs and rock 'n' roll.