Elise: I'm not Monique's Mother.
Maurice: No.
Elise: Angela Lansbury's Monique's Mother.
Maurice: Uh-huh.
Elise: Shelley Winters is Unique's mother.
Maurice: Now that's a good one.
Elise: Sean Connery is Monique's mother.
Maurice: And I'm going to get you some coffee.
[Professor Klump struggles to fit into his chair because of his obese size, before finally getting in.]
Dean Richmond: Anything I can get for you? Juice? Coffee? Rack of lamb?
Taffy Dale: Guess it wasn't the dove.
Abby: We can love our pets, we just can't love our pets.
Franklin: Boy you're touchy.
Travis: He's got hemorrhoids, Franklin.
Franklin: You got 'roids?
Jimmy Flaherty: Prison won't be so bad. I can became a born-again Christian. And that'll be good. Because nobody wants a born-again Christian as their bitch.
Emma Woodhouse: I will not know how to behave when I see him.
Mrs. Weston: Let his behavior be your guide.
Emma Woodhouse: Oh, but if he seems happy, I will know that he's decided to marry Harriet, and I will not, I know I will not be able to let him tell me. But if he seems sad, I'll know that John has advised him against it. I love John! Or he may seem sad because he fears telling me he will marry my friend. How can John let him do that? I hate John.
Edwina "Eddie" Franklin: (to a referee while honorary coach) Hey, you with the $1.99 rug on your head! Would you get out of my way, please?
Dignan: I learned more in the 2 months I spent with Mr. Henry and this crew than I learned in 15 years of academic study.
David Leary: I'm very sorry about this, sir, I can assure you it won't happen again. Will it Ben?
Ben: Who can predict the future?
David Leary: I can.
Horace: You know, this house is creepy. I'm starving hungry, and so far we haven't been paid one bloody quid.
Jasper: Oh, will you stop moaning?
Jeremiah Biggs: Just because you can't see the air doesn't keep you from breathing. And just because you can't see God doesn't keep you from believing.
Agent Paul: You do know it is a federal offense to destroy a United States Post Office?
Jay Leno: I may look stupid, but I'm Italian. I know how to find information.
Bessie: Goofy carried me to Mickey's house?
Andy: Sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll, hey ladies?
Vera: Aye, but we can do without the drugs and rock 'n' roll.
Sandra gangel: Now you just remember I won a year's supply of toilet freshener for making up that poem. That took brains and artistry, that did.
Beatrice Henderson: I'm sorry, John. I wasn't listening.