Sam Sweet: [911 call being played.] Oh my God! Oh my God! My twin brother has been shot! I think it was an Asian gang or something... There was this guy, he looked Asian... And he was speaking another language, I'm pretty sure it was... Asian.
Stan Podalak: Let me help! Let me help! I can help! I can help!
Michael Jordan: What can you do?
Stan Podalak: Well, I may not be very tall, but... I'm slow.
Sylvester: And large.
Daffy Duck: And a dork.
Happy Gilmore: I'm stupid. You're smart. I was wrong. You were right. You're the best. I'm the worst. You're very good-looking. I'm not attractive.
Archie Moses: This is a '70s porno. You know how I can tell? Because the guy's dick has sideburns.
Vanessa: Ho-ly shit! Well look who got beaten with the ugly stick. Bob, is that you? My God, I can't believe such an itty bitty gun could make such a big mess out of someone! You are so ugly Bob! Oh and hey I heard you have one of those poop bags where the shit comes out the side, you're just a big old shitbag aren't you Bob! I hope you think of me every time you shit in that thing, motherfucker!
Pascal: Buckman! There was a fingernail in my food, you fat-ass moron! Yesterday, it was a band-aid!
Buckman: I'm sorry, sir. The band-aid was holding the fingernail on.
Trent: I don't want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie everyone's *really* hoping makes it happen. I want you to be like the guy in the rated R movie, you know, the guy you're not sure whether or not you like yet. You're not sure where he's coming from. Okay? You're a bad man.
Romeo Posar: Now THAT was a defining moment. And the definition was "shit."
Russ: Hey, Biff. One more thing. After we beat you, the Warriors die and the Ducks fly.
Brandi Web: You know, a man just comes along and he buys us off a shelf. Then he plays. Plays with us until he thinks we're no longer fun. Or until he gets us all dirty, right? Then he just wants to throw us away.
Robert Grant: You got to get out of here. Mrs. Dubrow hates kids. She once kicked Big Bird in the nuts.
Sport: You can't be my friend if you're not my friend.
Rose Morgan: I don't feel anything, isn't that great! I never thought about how I would feel, I only ever thought about you. I only wanted to make you happy, I never thought I was good enough for you.
Alex: Oh but you are good enough for me, Rose, you are.
Rose Morgan: I know, I know, but Alex, you're not good enough for me.
Oribe's Receptionist: Don't bother with the cute face. I have 5 sons. You make eyes at me like that, I make you pot roast.
Loc Dog: Well, I can see how a pretty little woman like yourself can make a man a little sick - I mean, nervous.
Mark "Rent-boy" Renton: Now I've justified this to myself in all sorts of ways. It wasn't a big deal, just a minor betrayal. Or we'd outgrown each other, you know, that sort of thing. But let's face it, I ripped them off - my so called mates. But Begbie, I couldn't give a shit about him. And Sick Boy, well he'd done the same to me, if he'd only thought of it first. And Spud, well okay, I felt sorry for Spud - he never hurt anybody. So why did I do it? I could offer a million answers - all false. The truth is that I'm a bad person. But, that's gonna change - I'm going to change. This is the last of that sort of thing. Now I'm cleaning up and I'm moving on, going straight and choosing life. I'm looking forward to it already. I'm gonna be just like you. The job, the family, the fucking big television. The washing machine, the car, the compact disc and electric tin opener, good health, low cholesterol, dental insurance, mortgage, starter home, leisure wear, luggage, three piece suite, DIY, game shows, junk food, children, walks in the park, nine to five, good at golf, washing the car, choice of sweaters, family Christmas, indexed pension, tax exemption, clearing gutters, getting by, looking ahead, the day you die.