Sam Sweet: [911 call being played.] Oh my God! Oh my God! My twin brother has been shot! I think it was an Asian gang or something... There was this guy, he looked Asian... And he was speaking another language, I'm pretty sure it was... Asian.
Stan Podalak: Let me help! Let me help! I can help! I can help!
Michael Jordan: What can you do?
Stan Podalak: Well, I may not be very tall, but... I'm slow.
Sylvester: And large.
Daffy Duck: And a dork.
Happy Gilmore: I'm stupid. You're smart. I was wrong. You were right. You're the best. I'm the worst. You're very good-looking. I'm not attractive.
Archie Moses: This is a '70s porno. You know how I can tell? Because the guy's dick has sideburns.
Vanessa: Ho-ly shit! Well look who got beaten with the ugly stick. Bob, is that you? My God, I can't believe such an itty bitty gun could make such a big mess out of someone! You are so ugly Bob! Oh and hey I heard you have one of those poop bags where the shit comes out the side, you're just a big old shitbag aren't you Bob! I hope you think of me every time you shit in that thing, motherfucker!
Pascal: Buckman! There was a fingernail in my food, you fat-ass moron! Yesterday, it was a band-aid!
Buckman: I'm sorry, sir. The band-aid was holding the fingernail on.
Romeo Posar: Now THAT was a defining moment. And the definition was "shit."
Trent: I don't want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie everyone's *really* hoping makes it happen. I want you to be like the guy in the rated R movie, you know, the guy you're not sure whether or not you like yet. You're not sure where he's coming from. Okay? You're a bad man.
Robert Grant: You got to get out of here. Mrs. Dubrow hates kids. She once kicked Big Bird in the nuts.
Sport: You can't be my friend if you're not my friend.
Rose Morgan: I don't feel anything, isn't that great! I never thought about how I would feel, I only ever thought about you. I only wanted to make you happy, I never thought I was good enough for you.
Alex: Oh but you are good enough for me, Rose, you are.
Rose Morgan: I know, I know, but Alex, you're not good enough for me.
Ma Wright: I know you didn't touch her, baby. I raised you better than that. The Lord must've been watching out over your stupid ass.
Darnell 'Deeny: Hey, I cut her off. She was into some crazy shit, mama. She was wild - buck wild.
Mrs. Madigan: Every Monday, you will have a practice quiz. Every Wednesday, you will have a real quiz. Every Friday, you will have an exam. And any time I feel like it, you will have a surprise quiz or exam.
Oribe's Receptionist: Don't bother with the cute face. I have 5 sons. You make eyes at me like that, I make you pot roast.
Loc Dog: Well, I can see how a pretty little woman like yourself can make a man a little sick - I mean, nervous.
Kate Reilly: Who named them graboids anyway?
Earl Bassett: A friend of ours, Walter Chang, he named them. Then they ate him.