Santa: Haven't you heard of peace on Earth, and goodwill toward men?
Lock, Shock, Barrel: NO!
Ms. Stroud: Okay guys, one more thing, this summer when you're being inundated with all this American bicentennial Fourth of July brouhaha, don't forget what you're celebrating, and that's the fact that a bunch of slave-owning, aristocratic, white males didn't want to pay their taxes.
Regina: If you want your dog back, call my lawyer.
Laura Jackson: What a stupid idiot.
Jed Clampett: Did you say something, ma'am?
Laura Jackson: What a stupendous intellect.
Jethro: That's cause I "grad-ge-ated" the sixth grade, ma'am. Only took three years.
Virgil: You're not dirty enough. You're not crazy enough.
Dan Saxon: I'm getting really fucking tired of hearing you say that.
Virgil: Yeah? Well being tired is a lot better than being dead, man.
Dr. Armbruster: The HIV virus can only be transmitted through the exchange of bodily fluids, namely blood, semen, and vaginal secretions.
Alvin Mack: Let's open up a can of kick ass and kill 'em all, let the paramedics sort 'em out.
Miss Kenton: Why? Why, Mr. Stevens, why do you always have to hide what you feel?
Seitz: Sir, what about our friend Coontz?
Paul McDaggett: Well, if we'd let him live, we'd have to have paid him.
Richard Miller: Is there a wrong way to fall down a fucking mountain?
Grandma Georgiana: Your mama had to go away for a while.
Young Anna Mae Bullock: When is she coming back to get me?
Grandma Georgiana: She ain't, honey. She just ain't.
Dwight Hansen: Liar, whore, liar, whore and you know it.
Caine: For all the bullshit they try to teach you in high school, I graduated with about half of it. But then, I didn't go to school but half the time. The other half, I was out selling dope. Growing up out here, there was shit that couldn't be learned in no classroom.
Douvee: Ooh-wee! Ha ha! Sometimes I 'maze myself! Good whiskey make jackrabbit slap de bear.
Iggy: All right, Kids, come in here and Clean up Yer Bloody Room! I know well, cuz I'm 37, and don't make Me beat You with Leg of Mine that no longer Works cuz I'll do it.
Max Goldman: If I had known I would be doing a nude scene, I'd have asked for another million.
Julie: The pain... The pain keeps the hunger away.
[Addressing a roomful of Japanese businessmen.]
President Benson: It seems like only yesterday I was strafing so many of your homes. Yet here I am today, begging you not to make such good cars.
Sister Mary Robert: The only thing the chef knows how to cook is German sausage.
Sister Mary Lazarus: Day after day, liverwurst, bratwurst, beerwurst.
Sister Mary Patrick: It's the "worst."