Howard: Your grandmother's boyfriend is a first-class ass sniffer! And you can tell him that I said so.
Randall Peltzer: Well, that's the story. So if your air conditioner goes on the fritz. Or your washing machine blows up. Or your video recorder conks out; before you call the repairman, turn on all the lights, check all the closets and cupboards, look under all the beds. Cause you never can tell. There just might be a gremlin in your house.
Cedric the Bellman: You know, Herbert Hoover once stayed here on this floor.
Kevin McCallister: The vacuum guy?
Cedric the Bellman: No, the President.
Clay Vanstone: I gotta tell you, I was always like, "Tracey, this doesn't make any sense," and she was like, "Words, words, words and some numbers." But she did it.
Martin Riggs: You want me to drive?
Roger Murtaugh: No, you're supposed to be suicidal, remember? I'LL drive.
Martin Riggs: Anybody who drives around in this town IS suicidal.
Chris: I can't hear you Samantha. I can't hear you. OH! Lightbulb.
Nick Kringle: I'm Santa, you know. I don't get a vacation. I don't even get Christmas off.
Noelle Kringle: Well, you can't be Santa if your having a nervous breakdown.
Grinch: Christmas already? Ugh.
Carol Aird: Harge, I want you to be happy. I didn't give you that. I failed you. We both could have given more, but... we gave each other Rindy. And that is the most breathtaking, the most generous, of gifts.
Louis Winthorpe III: He was wearing my Harvard tie. Can you believe it? My Harvard tie. Like oh, sure he went to Harvard.
Anya: [reading letter.] "I am sure he hurts the poor little kitten and when I cry, he just laughs at me. Yours sincerely, Miss Sarah Foster." You were quite right to bring this to our attention, Dooley. That little boy must not get a present.
Santa Claus: No present for him? Every child should get a present.
Anya: It's time to change the rules.
Santa Claus: You'll have folks saying that Santa Claus only rewards the good little boys and girls.
Anya: Isn't that as it should be?
Santa Claus: Alright. Dooley, make up a list of who is naughty and nice.
Dooley: Yes, sir.
Santa Claus: And be careful. I'll be checking it twice.
Mr. Jones: I look better than you.
Uncle Elroy: You don't.
Mr. Jones: I cook better than you.
Uncle Elroy: You can't.
Mr. Jones: My dick is bigger than yours.
Uncle Elroy: It was cold that night.
Scrooge: What's she cooking, a canary? Surely they have more food than that. Look on the fire.
Ghost of Christmas Present: Huh, where? Oh, that's your laundry.
Boy #1: What shall we call him? Should we call him Harold?
Boy #2: Uh, Bruce?
Children: No.
Girl #1: Christopher Columbus?
Children: Oh, no.
Boy #3: Oatmeal?
Children: Oatmeal?
Mark Cohen: You know, there are times when we're dirt broke, hungry and freezing and I ask myself "why the hell am I still living here?" and then they call, and I remember.
Rizzo the Rat: There are two things I hate: heights and jumping from them.
