Randall Peltzer: Well, that's the story. So if your air conditioner goes on the fritz. Or your washing machine blows up. Or your video recorder conks out; before you call the repairman, turn on all the lights, check all the closets and cupboards, look under all the beds. Cause you never can tell. There just might be a gremlin in your house.
Ebenezer: Bob, I haven't taken leave of my senses. I've come to them.
Anya: [reading letter.] "I am sure he hurts the poor little kitten and when I cry, he just laughs at me. Yours sincerely, Miss Sarah Foster." You were quite right to bring this to our attention, Dooley. That little boy must not get a present.
Santa Claus: No present for him? Every child should get a present.
Anya: It's time to change the rules.
Santa Claus: You'll have folks saying that Santa Claus only rewards the good little boys and girls.
Anya: Isn't that as it should be?
Santa Claus: Alright. Dooley, make up a list of who is naughty and nice.
Dooley: Yes, sir.
Santa Claus: And be careful. I'll be checking it twice.
Louis Winthorpe III: He was wearing my Harvard tie. Can you believe it? My Harvard tie. Like oh, sure he went to Harvard.
Clay Vanstone: I gotta tell you, I was always like, "Tracey, this doesn't make any sense," and she was like, "Words, words, words and some numbers." But she did it.
Kevin McCallister: Howdy do. This is Peter McCallister, the father. I'd like a hotel room please, with an extra large bed, a TV, and one of those little refrigerators you have to open with a key. Credit card? You got it.
Martin Riggs: You want me to drive?
Roger Murtaugh: No, you're supposed to be suicidal, remember? I'LL drive.
Martin Riggs: Anybody who drives around in this town IS suicidal.
Grinch: Christmas already? Ugh.
Chris: I can't hear you Samantha. I can't hear you. OH! Lightbulb.
Nick Kringle: I'm Santa, you know. I don't get a vacation. I don't even get Christmas off.
Noelle Kringle: Well, you can't be Santa if your having a nervous breakdown.
Little Elf Judy: Seeing isn't believing. Believing is seeing.
Carol Aird: Harge, I want you to be happy. I didn't give you that. I failed you. We both could have given more, but... we gave each other Rindy. And that is the most breathtaking, the most generous, of gifts.
Mr. Jones: I look better than you.
Uncle Elroy: You don't.
Mr. Jones: I cook better than you.
Uncle Elroy: You can't.
Mr. Jones: My dick is bigger than yours.
Uncle Elroy: It was cold that night.
Jack Frost: Would you like to be my elf?
Sylvia Newman: Huh?
Jack Frost: You heard me.
Gordon: We were talking about a cease fire, for Christmas Eve. What do you think? The outcome of this war won't be decided tonight. I don't think anyone would criticize us for lying down our riffles on Christmas Eve.
Gen. Esperanza: Freedom.
[John McClane appears and punches him in the face.]
John McClane: Not yet.
Scrooge: What's she cooking, a canary? Surely they have more food than that. Look on the fire.
Ghost of Christmas Present: Huh, where? Oh, that's your laundry.