Laird Mayhew: I don't know how to talk to the guy. It's like we speak two different languages or something.
Gustav: You do.
Laird Mayhew: Yeah.
Gustav: He speaks English, and you speak English with resounding amounts of "fuck."
Toymaster: Barnaby, what is it exactly that you want? Didn't Santa Claus bring you enough toys last Christmas?
Ricky Caldwell: My old lady couldn't afford to send me to college. So I got a job. I was washing dishes, dumping trash... all that sort of shit. I think you're gonna like this next part. It sounded like some squirrel getting his nuts squeezed.
Guy: I was going to tell you everything eventually.
Marv Merchants: Well, prison isn't so bad. We do get salisbury steak on Wednesdays.
Joe Jr: Hey Pop. Can I give that bottle of Blue Nun you got from Cousin Ornello to my probation officer?
Charlie: You saved me Rose. I was wondering where God was and then the next thing you know, there you are at the bedside of a complete stranger telling him you love him was such meaning. And then I knew God was there in that room, with you.
Riley: Santa is going to find out who's naughty or nice.
Ms. Barbara MacHenry: Didn't I see Clair earlier?
Kelli Presely: Isn't she upstairs writing a card to her sister?
Melissa Kitt: No, I think her sister picked her up earlier. Remember, this is the occasion for Clair and her sister and her mom to bury the hatchet and rediscover each other.
Dana Mathis: I'd like to bury the hatchet with my sister... right in her head.