Quotes from Steve Martin movies and TV shows - page 3 of 5

Butler: You and your wife are expected for dinner.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: My wife won't be coming.
Butler: Oh, I trust she is not ill?
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: She's not ill, she's a cheap, vulgar slut.
Butler: Ja, I have heard this.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: I can't.
Fran: Can't what?
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: I can't inject you with window cleaner.
Fran: I don't mind. Hey, what does it do anyway?
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: It causes your brain to die last.
Fran: I don't mind.

Dr. Necessiter's butler: Can I get you anything more, doctor? I'm about to retire.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Really? You seem so young.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Would you read that back to me? I'm afraid that might make me sound pompous to your readers.
Olsen: 'My brilliant research in brain transplantation is unsurpassed, and will probably make my name live beyond eternity'.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Well, that's all right. Take out the 'probably'. It makes me sound wishy-washy.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Into the mud, scum queen.

Little Girl: Sounds like a subdural hematoma to me.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Oh, it does, does it? Well, it's not your job to diagnose.
Little Girl: But I thought.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: You thought, you thought. Just go. Three years of nursery school and you think you know it all. Well, you're still wet behind the ears. It's not a subdural hematoma. It's epidural. Ha.

Dolores: The Complete Poems of John Lillison, England's greatest one-armed poet.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: He wrote 'In Dillman's Grove' and 'Pointy Birds.' O pointy birds, o pointy pointy, anoint my head, anointy-nointy.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: You. You're the elevator killer. Merv Griffin.
Merv Griffin: Yeah.
Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Why?
Merv Griffin: I don't know. I've always just loved to kill. I really enjoyed it. But then I got famous, and - it's just too hard for me. And so many witnesses. I mean, everybody recognized me. I couldn't even lurk anymore. I'd hear, "Who's that lurking over there? Isn't that Merv Griffin?" So I came to Europe to kill. And it's really worked out very well for me.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: The only time we doctors should accept death is when it's caused by our own incompetence.
Dr. Necessiter: Nonsense. If the murder of twelve innocent people can help save one human life, it will have been worth it.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: Damn your drunk tests are hard.

Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: Arugula. I haven't had arugula in six weeks.
Supermarket Manager: What's that?
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: It's a vegetable.

Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: The shoes, right? The shoes are tragic.

Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: Ehh, she's not my type. I like 'em... I dunno, kinda dirty or something.

Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: Are you trying to say capeesh?
Barney: Yeah.
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: Well don't do it, cause it hurts my ears when you do it.

Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: I am the worst case scenario of Thomas Jefferson's dream.

Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: 5 o'clock Christmas morning, I run downstairs and look under the tree and what do I find? Uncle Alfresco, dead on the floor, shot through the back of the head. Plus no bicycle. It was a disappointing Christmas on many levels.

Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: It's not tipping I believe in. It's overtipping.

Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: When did your wife leave?
Barney: October.
Vince: That's when my wife left! What is it about the month of October?
Barney: I dunno. The pressure of Halloween? You never know what to go as.

Clerk at Supermarket: Hello sir, would you like to try a vanilla-bran oat crunchy?
Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: What do you think?

Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: Richie loved to use 22s because the bullets are small and they don't come out the other end like a 45, see, a 45 will blow a barn door out the back of your head and there's a lot of dry cleaning involved, but a 22 will just rattle around like Pac-Man until you're dead.