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Officer of the Day - S3-E3

Hawkeye: I will not carry a gun, Frank. When I got into this war, I had a very clear understanding with the Pentagon: no guns.
Frank: Humpf!
Hawkeye: I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune...I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, Carry Me Back to Old Virginny. I'll even Hari Kari if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun!

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Sticky Wicket - S1-E21

Hawkeye [to Frank]: You're inconsiderate, insulting with your nurses, bloody arrogant, demanding, distracting, and dumb!
Radar: Wow!
Hawkeye: And those are your good points.

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White Gold - S3-E23

Frank: Well, he, uh, ordered me to leave. He's a superior officer.
Henry: He's a superior psycho. His head's so twisted, he's gotta screw his cap on.

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Private Charles Lamb - S3-E14

Frank: What kind of a jackass do you think I am?
Radar: Oh, you'd know that better than me, sir.

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The Colonel's Horse - S5-E11

Radar: She knows you're leaving, sir. Look at her eyes.
Potter: Like Fay Wray.
Radar: I don't know her.
Potter: King King, this big monkey, carried her to the top of the Empire State Building.
Radar: Wow! I had heard there were some weirdos in New York.

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House Arrest - S3-E18

Frank: [after Hawkeye hits him] Captain Pierce, I accuse you of striking a superior officer. A court-martial offense under the Articles of War. And I have two witnesses!
Trapper: [to Hawkeye] I didn't see anything, did you?
Hawkeye: My back was turned. [Drops towel in Frank's face.] BA-DUM-BUMP!
Trapper: Case dismissed.

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Bulletin Board - S3-E16

Frank: [on Margaret's request] I just can't do it, Margaret. It just rubs against the grain. "Neither a lender nor a borrower be." Polonius.
Margaret: "To give, and not count the cost." St. Ignatius Loyola
Frank: "The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet, and steady, and loyal and enduring a nature, that it will last throughout a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money." Mark Twain.
Margaret: "Blow it out your ear!" Margaret Houlihan.

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The Incubator - S2-E12

General Mitchell: Now wait a minute! This is a press conference! The last thing I want to do is answer a lot of questions.

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5 O'Clock Charlie - S2-E2

Trapper: Count off!
Radar: [to Hawkeye ]Are you one?
Hawkeye: Yes, are you one too?

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Chief Surgeon Who? - S1-E4

Frank: Haven't you two anything better to do when you're off duty than to lie around and swill gin?
Hawkeye: Swill gin?! Sir, I have sipped, lapped, and taken gin intravenously, but I have never swilled.

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Divided We Stand - S2-E1

Pierce: Listen, Frank. We're all gonna make nice for Captain Hildebrandt today, but don't push us.
Burns: Well, a shave wouldn't be a bad start. You both look more like bums than doctors.
Trapper: Actually, I was, uh, I was thinking of becoming a bum doctor. But the proctology class was full!
Burns: HA! HA! HA!

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Divided We Stand - S2-E1

Radar: Captain, it's me, Radar.
Hawkeye: Get out of here, Radar, or I'll sever every nerve in your butt!

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The Consultant - S3-E17

Trapper: Where'd you learn to drive?
Radar: The Bumper Cars
Trapper: Figures.

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Fade Out, Fade In - S6-E1

Winchester: But, know this. You can cut me off from the civilized world. You can incarcerate me with two moronic cellmates. You can torture me with your thrice-daily swill, but can not break the spirit of a Winchester. My voice shall be heard from this wilderness, and I shall be delivered from this fetid and festering sewer.
Potter: I think he's getting the hang of this place.

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Chief Surgeon Who? - S1-E4

Gen. Barker: What are you doing?
Radar: Doing, sir?
Barker: D-O-I-N-G. Doing. What are you doing?
Radar: Uh, listening to you spell doing sir.
Barker: Doesn't Col. Blake mind you drinking his whiskey and smoking his cigars?
Radar: Oh, very much so, sir.
Barker: Then why are you doing it?
Radar: Well, I don't mind, and I figured as long as one of us was being reasonable.

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