Jon Sandys

[On board a small boat.]
Knox: Lookie here, our own little octagon.
Dalton: What? Who taught you shapes?

Jon Sandys ★

Mission: Difficult - S12-E8

Archer: She told you, a woman whose loose lips have sunk so many ships they should be named "Admiral Nelson" and "concept of torpedoes."

Jon Sandys ★

Caught Napping - S11-E7

Archer: Introspection is the enemy of happiness. So, my advice is, don't. Always worked for me.
Lana: Has it though?
Archer: I don't know - that's the beauty.

Jon Sandys ★

Episode #1.3 - S1-E3

Kate: You wouldn't have a problem if this was your daughter?
Jack: She's not my daughter!
Kate: She's someone's daughter.
Jack: Every woman I've ever had sex with was someone's daughter, it's never stopped me from playing daddy.
Kate: Urgh.
Jack: I think that might have come out wrong.
Kate: OK, if your daughter was a stripper.
Jack: Why is my daughter a stripper?!
Kate: Ah, so you would mind!
Jack: What if your son...was a rapist?
Kate: How is that relevant?!
Jack: You started it.
Kate: I want you to acknowledge how you'd feel if your daughter made her living by having men leering at her.
Jack: OK, how would you feel if your rapist son attacked my stripper daughter, threw acid in her face, she's disfigured for life, can't even work!
Kate: I wouldn't defend him.
Jack: Your own son?! Some mother you'd be.

Jon Sandys ★

Shindig - S1-E6

Mal: [Standing over defeated opponent] Mercy is the mark of a great man. [Stabs him]. I guess I'm just a good man. [Stabs him again] Well...I'm all right.

Jon Sandys ★

Heart of Gold - S1-E13

Kaylee: Everyone's got somebody. Wash, tell me I'm pretty.
Wash: Were I unwed, I would take you in a manly fashion.
Kaylee: 'Cause I'm pretty?
Wash: 'Cause you're pretty.

Jon Sandys ★

War Stories - S1-E9

Mal: I know it's a difficult mission, but you and I...have to get it on.
Zoe: I understand. We have no choice. Take me sir, take me hard.
Jayne: Now something about that is just downright unsettling.
[Mal and Zoe awkwardly lean in towards a kiss].
Wash: [dragging Zoe away] We'll be in our bunk.

Jon Sandys ★

A Touch of Sweevil - S8-E8

Shawn: Hey, Fishfry, who's the crazy guy?
Randall: That's James Earl Craig.
Shawn: That's the voice of Darth Vader?
Gus: That's James Earl Jones.
Shawn: May the force be with you.
Gus: That's Sir Alec Guinness.
Shawn: Huh. I gotta see that flick again.

Jon Sandys ★

Santabarbaratown - S6-E16

Shawn: Rough day for you, man, no way around that. Girl you're dating turns out to be your sister...who killed your father. Who killed your mother, and was sleeping with your ex girlfriend.
Gus: And Shawn punched you in the face.
Shawn: Yeah, there's that, too.

Jon Sandys ★

Hero or Hate Crime? - S12-E6

Charlie: All right, fine. I voluntarily stepped in the dog shit so that I would smell of dog shit. Happy?
Dennis: Less happy!
Dee: Why would it make me happy?!
Charlie: I was trying to cover up the smell of the skunk that I let spray me so that there would be no questions.
Dennis: Well, now I have more questions!
Dee: Of course you do.

Jon Sandys ★

The Wedding Squanchers - S2-E10

Rick: Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe. Because I'm the smartest, and being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets.

Jon Sandys ★

Bad Beat - S5-E5

Jake: Captain, allow me to introduce you to major East Coast arms dealer Dan "Daniel" Valdano. That's right, his nickname is longer than his actual name. Why's that, Terry?
Terry: 'Cause he's a dick.

Jon Sandys ★

Six: We need a ride. I call 'not trunk'.

Jon Sandys ★

Hired Guns - S1-E10

Denny Crane: I'm an ex-Marine! I was a trained sniper. Or was it a pilot?

Jon Sandys ★

Big Trouble in Little Sanchez - S2-E7

Rick: Will you fix your marriage or get a divorce already?!
Jerry: Well, we tried a couples therapist.
Rick: That's earth therapy. You might as well ask a horse to fix a merry-go-round. I mean he'll try his best, but mostly he's just gonna get horrified.

Jon Sandys ★

Bobby Cobb: I'm bad at sex. There's a lot of thrashing and thumping, but nothing really gets done. I'm like a broken dishwasher.

Jon Sandys ★

Dark as a Dungeon - S6-E8

Mortician: Do you wish to exhume all the plots?
Raylan: Just the two, my parents.
Mortician: How about the manner in which they were buried?
Raylan: I wasn't around, but I guarantee he put her in the cheapest piece of shit available.
Mortician: And him?
Raylan: I put him in the cheapest piece of shit available.

Jon Sandys ★

The Star-Spangled Man - S1-E2

Bucky: I got a vibranium arm. I can take them.
Sam: And I can fly, who gives a shit? Wait.

Jon Sandys ★

The Hounds of Baskerville - S2-E2

Sherlock: I never did ask, Dr. Frankland, what exactly is it that you do here?
Dr. Frankland: Ah, Mr. Holmes, I would LOVE to tell you, but then, of course, I'd have to kill you. [Chuckles].
Sherlock: That would be tremendously ambitious of you.

Jon Sandys ★

Haven Is for Real - S3-E5

[Watching a dreadful performance by James Dean.]
Josh: I gotta get some air.
Abraham Lincoln: I don't blame you. This is the worst theater experience I've ever had.

Jon Sandys ★