Bob Stone: You're like a black Will Smith.
Bobby: Life is a comedy written by a sadistic comedy writer.
News Anchor: Now to the question that has no clear answer. How did two twenty-something young men land a three-hundred-million-dollar Pentagon contract?
Ringo Starr: He's writing a song for gay marriage, you know, like it's not allowed. It's allowed now.
Manny: So now when you masturbate you think about your mom?
Sunny Soke: Well bless your heart. Cheap little fucker.
Ambrose Hilliard: You and me given opportunities only because young men are gone. But to turn or back on those opportunities, wouldn't that be giving death dominion over life?
Sam Larson: If I go in there, I'm am gonna get murdered in the face.
Michelle Darnell: Pity's all you've got. Pity's your best friend.
Stretch: It wouldn't be Texas without a chainsaw massacre.
Dave Stangle: Maybe Dad'll just forget about his ultimatum.
Mike Stangle: Why would Dad forget about an old tomato?
Dave Stangle: No, his ul... his ultimatum.
Mike Stangle: Old tom...?
Dave Stangle: Ultimatum.
Mike Stangle: Are you saying "old tomato"?
Dave Stangle: Ultima-tum, like a tomb or a crypt.
Will Davis: Charlie got a job today.
Jillian Stewart: McDonald's or Taco Bell?
Charlie: Middle school chemistry teacher.
Jillian Stewart: I weep for our future.
Carl: They are eating children! Fucking children.
Bebop: Let's rumble, baby.
Sebastian: I'm letting life hit me until it gets tired. Then I'll hit back. It's a classic rope-a-dope.
Buster Moon: When you've reached rock bottom, there's only one way to go, and that's up.
Clarence Goobril: Wordness to the turdness.
Dante: What them white girls want? They lost? Did you go "awesome", they like when you go "awesooome!"
Amy: This party is raging.
Kiki: What a turnout.
Martha Stewart: Hi, would you ladies like a Jell-O shot?
Amy: Is that, is that? Martha Stewart! Martha, Oh, my God.
Kiki: Thank you. Oh, my God.
Martha Stewart: Good, right?
Carla: I'm cumming.
Kiki: Oh, my God. What's in this?
Martha Stewart: Well, it's bespoke lingonberry gelatin... and a shitload of vodka.
Kiki: They're delicious.
Martha Stewart: I start my day with six of these.
Carl Black: We gotta make sure there're no more black people 'round here, 'cause they will snitch.