Best comedy movie quotes of 2009

Vince Rizzo: Did you sleep outside last night?
Vince Jr.: No, no, no. I did heroin with a bunch of prostitutes at the Plaza Hotel. I'm thinking of becoming a pimp.
Vince Rizzo: Good. I'll see you later.

Rose: It's funny because yesterday I couldn't wait to get away and now I never want to leave.
Tony: What happened in between?
Rose: Just enough.

Wes Wilson: I'll put in my next book. How does that sound?
Isaac: Like having my balls licked by a porcupine.

Beckett: Babies like to breathe, and they're good at hiding it. I put a pillow over a baby. I thought she wasn't breathing, but she was. She was sneaky, but I'll try again.

Ronnie Barnhardt: The world has no use for another scared man. Right now, the world needs a fucking hero.

Rob's Mom: Rob? I-I wanna have a little chat with you,.
Rob: Uhh, do we have to?
Rob's Mom: I found this sock? In-in the laundry.
Rob: Oh jeez, Mom put that away.

Therapist: It's like a little kid gets a puppy for the first time, just hugs it so much, snaps its neck. It's puppy cradle death syndrome. All that love is gonna snap that puppy.

Teddy: Man, this whole town is dead.
Mia: Oh my God. Maybe this is like "The Sixth Sense" and we're the ones who are really dead.
Nadine: You know what, Mia? I've been holding something back all night, so I'm gonna go ahead and say it now: That doesn't make any sense, you stupid bitch.

Zach: I think "scat" is poop.
Dan: Really, son?
Zach: Yeah.
Charlie: You wiped poop on my face?
Dan: Yeah. Scat happens, man.

Herzog: Rise.

Emma Wheeler: Here you go. Sunny-side eggs, sausage with bacon, home fries, homemade biscuits and country gravy. Can I get you anything else?
Paul Morgan: No, thanks. Just an angiogram.

Louise: A relationship ending is like a death just two people know about. A whole life gets lost, everything we did together. All the places we traveled, the fights, the small moments of tenderness.

Horsedick.MPEG: When you give something to a bitch, they don't do nothin' but take. That's why I don't give 'em nothin' but the dick. 'Cause they can't take that away. You'll see. Tomorrow at the mansion I'ma run the train on seven, eight, nine, eleven o' them honeys! Ain't a Playmate there I ain't tagged yet.

David Santiago: What you do with your life is, really just one half of the equation. The other half, the more important half, really is, who you're with when you're doing it.

Irv: I'm not a god. That's just a rumor my mother started.

Mary Horowitz: I will eat you like a mountain lion.

Cole Black: Hey metalmouth! Got another date with the trashcan.

Will Burton: So, how big is this whole bandslam thing around here?
Sa5m: Texas high school football big.

Nuts: Hey noodledicks! These guys just ordered 4 rounds of premium tequila! Now are you gonna sit by and watch while these guys make you look like fucking pussies?

Dr. Lars: It's too early to know who's winning the fight: the medicine or the disease.
George Simmons: Did anybody ever tell you, you have a very scary accent?
Dr. Lars: You are a very funny man. I enjoy your movies.
George Simmons: And I enjoy all of your movies.
Dr. Lars: Which movies?
George Simmons: The ones where you try to kill Bruce Willis.