Aggie Cromwell: Bubble, bubble, toil, and trouble.
Joe Cooper: If you want unanimous consent, you're gonna have to get it from one of the other owners.
Damien: Come on, let me in or I'm likely to catch my death out here.
Tiffany: Promises, promises.
Squirrel #1: ...Bagel chips.
Squirrel #2: Back off, or you'll find your nuts in a tree.
Squirrel #1: Ow! Where's the love?
Stevenson Lowe: So what went wrong?
Lily Marlowe: Well, Max has his faults. There were many women to whom he was not, shall we say, indifferent.
Stevenson Lowe: But you knew that, I mean, you knew that.
Lily Marlowe: I thought it would pass. I think it's a sad loss that men have such an aptitude for love coupled with such an inability for managing it properly.
William: You see the salt on this pretzel? Look at the stars. Some people, they say the stars are billions and billions of tons of hot gas. But I think maybe, maybe it's just God's salt. And God's just waiting to eat us.
Darryl: They killed my baby. He got involved with that whole east coast-west coast thing, and being that he is so Chicago they both banged on him.
Oscar Madison: The wick is almost out, Felix. All I want is for the candle to glow one last time rather than curse the darkness.
Felix Ungar: It's not going out, Oscar, not yours and not mine. But I still have hope that somewhere out there we'll find the right lamplighter.
Oscar Madison: You know, we just used so many metaphors I forgot what the hell we were talking about.
Sen. Jay Billington Bulworth: All we need is a voluntary, free-spirited, open-ended program of procreative racial deconstruction. Everybody just gotta keep fuckin' everybody 'til they're all the same color.
Popov: We're Russians! We demand you take us to the Russian imbecile.
Natalya: It's "Embassy," imbecile.
Joan: The lad doesn't say much and when he does, he finds just the right words to crush my soul.
Matko Destanov: The Bulgarians always say: "Brother, if you can't solve a problem with money... solve it with a lot of money."
Shelly Krippendorf: I just chased poultry through my backyard, looking like Tammy Faye Bakker. You owe me.
Lt. Fergus Falls: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say may be held against you. One nation, indivisible, till death do us part.
Bustopher Jones: When I'm seen in a hurry, there's probably curry at the Siamese or at the Glutton.
Samantha Andrews: How do you feel?
Jay Murphy: Like ten bucks.
Dr. John Dolittle: You know how to do CPR?
Rat #2: CPR? I can't even spell it.
Helen Jordan: It's just I'm... I'm so tired of being admired all the time. All these men I mean... they're all beautiful, artistic minds, great sex, the whole package, but hollow, you know what I mean? I feel nobody's really honest with me. Nobody wants me for me.
Morgan's hitman: You've got two choices. Give us the disk and jump off.
Morgan's Hitman: Or number two, we take the disk and throw you off.
Who Am I?: I like the third choice: I keep the disk, and I throw you both off.