Squirrel #1: ...Bagel chips.
Squirrel #2: Back off, or you'll find your nuts in a tree.
Squirrel #1: Ow! Where's the love?
Darryl: They killed my baby. He got involved with that whole east coast-west coast thing, and being that he is so Chicago they both banged on him.
Joe Cooper: If you want unanimous consent, you're gonna have to get it from one of the other owners.
Peaches: I'm having a dinner party Friday night, we're short one man.
Oscar Madison: How about Abe here, he's a short man.
Peaches: You can run Oscar, but you can't hide! See ya.
Oscar Madison: Oh, that's such an original expression. I hate a woman who talks like Muhammed Ali.
Sen. Jay Billington Bulworth: All we need is a voluntary, free-spirited, open-ended program of procreative racial deconstruction. Everybody just gotta keep fuckin' everybody 'til they're all the same color.
Stevenson Lowe: So what went wrong?
Lily Marlowe: Well, Max has his faults. There were many women to whom he was not, shall we say, indifferent.
Stevenson Lowe: But you knew that, I mean, you knew that.
Lily Marlowe: I thought it would pass. I think it's a sad loss that men have such an aptitude for love coupled with such an inability for managing it properly.
Meredith: I have a hard time trusting men.
Trent: I'm not men. I'm not a group. I'm just me.
Matko Destanov: The Bulgarians always say: "Brother, if you can't solve a problem with money... solve it with a lot of money."
Edwards: Mr. President, we have to give bears the right to vote... or bears will rise up and then bears will be in congress and we will be the ones performing in the circus, wearing little hats.
Sir Robert McKintyre: Hibbing has been my good friend since our school days at Cherry Pants-upon-Buttocks.
Bustopher Jones: When I'm seen in a hurry, there's probably curry at the Siamese or at the Glutton.
Jay Murphy: It's hard to tell how many emotions were real and how many were manufactured just to get the other person to bring over more pot.
Dr. John Dolittle: You know how to do CPR?
Rat #2: CPR? I can't even spell it.
Morgan's hitman: You've got two choices. Give us the disk and jump off.
Morgan's Hitman: Or number two, we take the disk and throw you off.
Who Am I?: I like the third choice: I keep the disk, and I throw you both off.
Rosemary Cross: I'll show you the door.
Max Fischer: I'll just go back out the window.
Mari Hoff: Ah, your not the famous phone bill, are ya?
Charlotte Pingress: Did people ever really dance in bars? I thought that was a myth.
Sam: Kelly Van Ryan is accusing me of rape.
Kenneth Bowden: Kelly Van Ryan? As in Sandra Van Ryan?
Sam: As in, I'm fucked.