Victor Bukowski: Even if I could pretend that you never left me... I couldn't pretend that I don't love her.
Doc: Do you have nicoise?
Diner Cook: I told you. We have ranch, Italian, and chunky bleu cheese, which is 50 cents extra.
Doc: Do you have any balsamic vinegar?
Diner Cook: I got ranch, Italian, chunky bleu cheese.
Doc: How about a gun so I can shoot myself in the head?
Mitch: Look, uh, it's kind of embarrassing to be physically afraid of a hundred year old man who just had a coronary. So, uh, can we hurry this along?
Raoul Duke: There's a uh, big machine in the sky, some kind of, I dunno, electric snake, coming straight at us.
Dr. Gonzo: Shoot it.
Raoul Duke: Not yet, I want to study its habits.
Cambi: Yeah, yeah, Joanie loves Chachi, but does Chachi give a flyin' fuck about Joanie?
Joe: Hey, your son is not a screw up, he's a hero.
Mr. Birch: What?
Joe: I said he's a hero. And you don't deserve him. I want you to know that.
Annie O'Shea: But he's never told a lie in his life.
Jackie O'Shea: Well, he's making up for it now.
Lady Juliana: You're mad.
Ruber: I'm so glad you noticed. I've been working at it for years.
Anthony Cortino: Diane, would you excuse us?
Diane: Oh, yeah, sure. If you need me, I'll be up on the bidet.
Cliff: Who wants to do a bong... how about you.
Ricky Hayman: Good. Better. Best. Never let it rest, 'til your good is Better and your better is best.
Gov. Jack Stanton: I'm going to tell you something really outrageous. I'm going to tell you the truth.
Police Chief: This man apparantly wants to press charges against you. He said and I quote "you assaulted him and pushed him to the ground."
Victor Joseph: That's bullshit.
Police Chief: Mr Joseph there's no need for that type of language. Mr Johnson's wife Holly says he's, and I quote, "a complete asshole." So you two are free to go.
Jessica: Tum Tum, I made your favorite bacon, lettuce, tomato, bologna, ham and swiss cheese sandwich.
TumTum: No thanks mom, I'm not hungry.
TV Reporter at Premiere: What's your next project?
Dalton Freed: Birth Of A Nation, an all-black version.
François Pignon: Do you sleep with all your editors?
Pierre Brochant: None of your damn business.
Daphne Blake: What I need is a real, live ghost.
Velma Dinkley: That's an oxymoron, Daph.
Guy Fontenot: Any man who look at my woman will die.