Best comedy movie quotes of 1991

Lawanda Dumore: I hate children. They ruin everything. If I had enough power, I'd wipe them off the face of the earth.

Commissioner Brumford: [On phone.] Hello? He did what? How many animals escaped? Oh, my god.
Frank: Hello, Commissioner. You're looking lovely this evening.
Commissioner Brumford: Do you realize that because of you this city is being overrun by baboons?
Frank: Well, isn't that the fault of the voters?

Ninny Threadgoode: Hey Evelyn, somebody stole my house.

Frank Pesce Jr.: I wanna do something I never did before.
Frank Pesce Sr.: Oh really, then why don't you go upstairs and clean your fucking room.

Ed Furillo: What if you don't encourage them, and they still come after you?
Mitch Robbins: It doesn't happen. See, women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.
Bonnie Rayburn: Good night! I'm going to bed.
Mitch Robbins: Good night! Sleep tight.
Ed Furillo: That was flirting.
Mitch Robbins: No, that was... Politeness. That was "have a pleasant and restful evening."
Ed Furillo: No, that was "I like your ass. Can I wear it as a hat?"

Pugsley: Are they dead?
Wednesday: Does it matter?

Topper Harley: My father used to say that not playing to win is like sleeping with your sister. Sure she's a great piece of tail, with a blouse full of goodies, but... It's just illegal. Then you get into that whole inbred thing. Kids with no teeth who do nothing but play the banjo... Eat apple sauce through a straw... Pork farm animals.

Thomas J. Sennett: Vada?
Vada Sultenfuss: Yeah?
Thomas J. Sennett: Would you think of me?
Vada Sultenfuss: For what?
Thomas J. Sennett: Well, if you don't get to marry Mr. Bixler.
Vada Sultenfuss: I guess.

Curly Sue: These tights itch... These things stick to your butt.

Woman: What's a mother to do? Lazy brat sits in her room all day, sewing dolls. Children misbehaving in the basement! And one in the wall, doing his business God knows where. You kids will be the death of me... the death of me.

[Dead Bill S. Preston almost falls down when climbing around in Hell.]
Dead Bill: Ted.
Dead Ted: Yeah?
Dead Bill: If I die, you can have my Megadeth collection.
Dead Ted: But, dude, we're already dead.
Dead Bill: Oh. Well then they're yours, dude.

Nancy Lee Nicholson: Is that a star?
Hank Gordon: No, that's Ted Danson.

Mr. Guttman: Hello, Dr. Marvin. The house looks good.
Mrs. Guttman: Burn in hell, Dr. Marvin.

Bryan: I'd respect your privacy more if you weren't so secretive.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: Well I'd tell you more if you didn't want to know so much.

Leonardo: I'm Leonardo.
Michelangelo: I'm Michaelangelo.
Donatello: Donatello.
Raphael: I'm Raphael.
Michalangelo: All the good ones end in "O".

Fred: I am a loner, a crazy wide eyed loner on a doomed mission to Venus to battle with the 3 headed mega beast but on the way I caught cornflakes disease.

Detective Mastrionotti: Started in Kansas City. Couple of housewives.
Detective Deutsch: Couple days ago we see the same M.O. out in Los Feliz.
Detective Mastrionotti: Doctor. Ear, nose and throat man.
Detective Deutsch: All of which he's now missin'.
Detective Mastrionotti: Well, some of his throat was there.
Detective Deutsch: Physician, heal thyself.
Detective Mastrionotti: Good luck with no fuckin' head.
Detective Deutsch: Anyway.

Fur Protestor: Do you know how many poor animals they had to kill to make that coat?
Margo Brofman: Know how many rich animals I had to fuck to get this coat?

John Moss: Don't eat like me, don't sit like me, and do not smoke like me! I'm trying to quit, anyway.
Nick Lang: Me too.
John Moss: And don't quit like me, either.

Alley Thug: Wrong place, wrong time. Nothing personal.
Joe Hallenbeck: That's what you think. Last night I fucked your wife.
Alley Thug: Oh you did, hah? How'd you know it was my wife?
Joe Hallenbeck: She said her husband was a big pimp lookin' motherfucker with a hat.
Alley Thug: Oh, you're real cool for a guy about to take a bullet.
Joe Hallenbeck: After fucking your wife I'll take two.