Bryan: I'd respect your privacy more if you weren't so secretive.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: Well I'd tell you more if you didn't want to know so much.
Kenny Crandell: Don't you ever go outside?
Walter Crandell: Nope, no TV, and no prizes.
Bryan: Not exactly your dream job, eh?
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: Got that right. You think I woke up this morning and said, 'Gee, I'd love to scrub fat vats! I'd love to smile and work with raw meat'?
Melissa Crandell: You promised to sign me up for baseball.
Mom: Little League will be there next year.
Melissa Crandell: So will Australia.
Melissa Crandell: How come you gotta go?
Mom: Because, I have had a very rough 37 years, and I need a break.
Melissa Crandell: You promised you'd sign me up for baseball.
Mom: Little League will be there next year.
Melissa Crandell: So will Australia! I wish Dad was around.
Mom: No you don't.
Rose Lindsey: Why don't you go on home, have a glass of wine and put some cucumber slices on your eyes, you'll feel much better.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: Well, I'm all out of cucumbers.
Rose Lindsey: Sue Ellen, every girl over twenty-five should have a cucumber in the house.
Rose Lindsey: Where is Carolyn? Mouse brown hair, gives you a headache?
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: Talks like she's chewing her face?
Rose Lindsey: That's her.
Rose Lindsey: Sue Ellen, have you ever had a 48 hour orgasm?
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: No, I've never been to Santa Barbara.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: Melissa, it was your turn to take out the trash this week.
Melissa Crandell: Well I couldn't fit it into my schedule.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: Go get that tape measure thing out of the garage.
Kenny Crandell: Will you stop ordering us around? You're not the babysitter.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: That's right, Kenny. The babysitter is dead. So just do it.
Sue Ellen "Swell" Crandell: I am not working at the big top from hell for pocket money. My mom's away and I have my brothers and sister to take care of and nobody's going to hire a teenager to do anything that's not disgusting.
Rose Lindsey: Don't feel overwhelmed, just do one thing at a time.
Walter Crandell: She doesn't look dead.
Zach Crandell: That's because it just happened. So you can't really tell, like on "MacGyver."
