Ray Tierney: When we were kids, all we ever talked about was being cops.
Bridget Cardigan: We'll think outside the box.
Don Cardigan: Well that's good because we're selling the box and moving into a smaller box.
Crissy Lynn: If he were any dumber, I'd have to water him.
Wendy Leather: So, come on then, what don't I know? Romantic dinner on Monday night?
Terry Leather: Look honey, I'm going to be working some strange hours over the next week or two, so don't ask me what I'm doing because I don't want to lie to you.
Rose Lorkowski: There's not a lot that I am good at. But I'm good at getting guys to want me. Not date me, or marry me, but want me.
Frank Martin: Do I look like a man who came half-way across Europe to die on a bridge?
Christine Collins: Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.
Arthur Seldom: Any formulation is valid in the series because we can always find a rule that justifies it.
Ray Eddy: What if a trooper stops us?
Lila Littlewolf: They're not gonna stop you, you're white.
Mike Manadoro: I work in the typical car service crew. Evenly split between the retired, and the retarded.
Ian Hamilton: On that day I heard the voice of Scotland speak as loudly as it did in 1320. As long as a hundred of us remain alive, we shall never give in to the domination of the English. We fight not for glory, not for wealth, nor honors, but only and alone for freedom, which no good man surrenders but with his life.
Agent Jennifer Marsh: Username and password please?
Agent Griffin Dowd: Coming to you... now. Chang's restaurant?
Agent Jennifer Marsh: He hacked into their site?
Agent Griffin Dowd: No. Half the office eats there. He's messing with us. He wanted us to find this. Who the hell is this guy?
Sam Landis: Let me guess. You finally want to start that boy band you've been dreaming about.
Principal Jared T. Kirkpatrick: Landis, do I come down to the strip club where you work and knock the dick out of your mouth? Against the wall. You're late.
Griffin Cavenaugh: You wanted to know if there was a problem? There is one. We don't like you.
Ted Grey: That's not a problem.
Saul: BF... FF?
Dale Denton: Best Fuckin' Friends Forever, man!
Penelope Stamp: This was a story about a girl who could find infinite beauty in anything, any little thing, and even love the person she was trapped with. And I told myself this story until it became true. Now, did doing this help me escape a wasted life? Or did it blind me so I didn't want to escape it? I don't know, but either way I was the one telling my own story.
Bobbi Prescott: We were pretty sure we didn't get the job.
Officer Degrasso: Wait wait wait wait wait, you mean they didn't hire you on the spot?
Bobbi Prescott: Oh no, we weren't interviewing to be cops.
Joe: Where there's money, there's competition and the guy paying me usually wins.
Richie Nix: I read about this guy once who weighed 1200 pounds. Can you believe that? For breakfast he'd have like 2 pounds of bacon, a dozen eggs, some rolls. Then for lunch he'd have 4 hamburgers, 4 double cheeseburgers, 8 boxes of fries. For dinner: 3 ham steaks, 6 sweet potatoes, 6 or 7 regular potatoes, some stuffing.